It's hard to forgive someone who cheated. The scars and wounds are very hard to heal. You can forgive someone but you will never forget what he did to you. It's hard especially when you saw it cleary. That the person who trusted you once, cheated.
"Stay," Hanzel stopped me when I was about to go out.
I stare at him, hindi na siya sobrang putla sa ngayon. Tita and Tito thanked me for bringing Hanz here. Hanzel looked at his parents and it's a signal for them. I know Hanzel want to talk to me. I can sense it with his gaze. His eyes is telling something.
"I need to go home at Manchy's condo. Wala siyang kasama do'n," I said seriously.
Nakipaglabanan pa ako ng titigan sa kaniya. He smiled weakly, bitterly. I know Hanz with the months passed by with him. I knew how much he loves me but maybe that love is not enough to go on and try again.
In the other side, I think about Magen. I knew... I saw too how Magen cheated. Pero hindi ko alam kung bakit nagawa ko parin humanap ng dahilan para mapanatili at magstay sa kaniya kahit alam kong kapag tumagal ay mas lalong akong masasaktan. Maybe this is really love? We will always find a reason to stay. Like, if he cheated then it's alright because I love him. If he makes me cry then it's fine because when you love someone, you need to cry. If he hurt you mentally or physically then it's okay because you can endure the pain.
"I already forgive you, Hanz. No need to be guilty about what you did--"
"I still love you, Poena. Ikaw parin... ikaw parin, Poena." He reason out.
I sighed, I saw the dissappointed on his face because of what I did. "Hanz, for the months with you. I know how much you love me. Ramdam ko ang pagmamahal mo. Kaya masakit no'ng niloko mo 'ko. I trusted you e, I love you but I looked at different perspective. Maybe I was not enough---"
"You are enough, Poena."
No.
I'm not enough for him.
I smiled "No, I'm not. Kasi kung enough ako for you then you will never look at the opportunity to cheat," He swallowed hard and looked away. "I'm not going back to you not because I hate you. Not because I still have the hatred inside this..." I pointed my chest. "Not because I'm scared to try again. Hindi ako nakipagbalikan sa 'yo kasi... my heart don't want anymore. I just woke up being numb because of what you did. Sa sobrang pagmamanhid kahit 'yung pagmamahal ko sa 'yo ay hindi ko narin naramdaman," I smiled at him.
I wiped his tears, he's crying! Hindi na ako nagulat ng hawakan niya ako sa baywang. Sinubsob niya ang mukha niya sa tagiliran ko at niyakap ako. His shoulder is shaking because he was crying!
"I-I'm sorry..." he said while crying.
"Apology accepted, Hanz."
When we done talking, Tita and Tito talked to me about being understanding. They know that Hanz cheated on me and they're thankful because I still understand why. I washed my hands at Hospital restroom. I'm thankful because they have a hand sanitizer.
"Manchy..." I called Manchy when I knocked three times on her door.
I stamped my chunky boots while waiting for her respond. I crossed my arm over my chest. Why she took so long?! I was about to knock again when the door opened... my lips too..
"M-magen? W-why are you here?" I asked Magen.
His bloodshot eyes directly hunting me. He clenched his jaw as his face darkened while staring at me. I felt like I'm sweating bullets. His cold but scary stare makes me weak.
"Why are you here?" Balik niyang tanong sa 'kin bago lakihan ang pagbukas ng pinto.
He even raised his thick brows when I can't move a bit. Agad akong pumasok kahit na sobra ang kalabog ng dibdib ko. Why he's here?! Did he follow me? I looked at him awkwardly. I want to ask him if he message Tita Cookie but I can't! Baka assuming na naman ako?! Wait... I only have one boyfriend! So it means he's the one!
Inis kong sinabunutan ang sarili at umupo sa sofa. Did I left my laptop somewhere? Did my cousin make a move to annoy me?! Yes, maybe they did! Walang naman kasi password ang laptop ko!
"Crazy huh? After meeting your ex..." Magen sarcastically said.
Ngayon ko lang napansin ang suot niya. He is wearing a sky blue regular fit pocket cotton shirt folded into his elbow. The color of his shirt highlighted his clean skin tone. He is also wearing a simple gray trouser tucked in with his black belt with a silver buckle "Gucci" inscription! He is wearing too a black Horsebit leather loafer. Oh! It's a gucci too! Ang akala ko pa ay hindi nakaayos ang pagsuot niya ng loafer but it's a style pala.
"He got stabbed..." I explained and close my eyes.
Naalala ko na naman ang nakita ko sa likod ng Mansion. He was with my cousin and having fun! I want to scold him. I want to scream because of annoyance. I want to slap him because he is heartless. I want... but I can't. Hindi ko talaga kaya na sumbatan siya.
"So you ignored me?" He asked using his full of accusation tone.
I sighed and opened my eyes. Our eyes met, his accusative's eyes didn't leave me. Para bang may gusto siyang marinig na salita galing sa akin.
"You have my phone..." I avoided his cold gaze.
He chuckled "You used your account earlier," He said full of sarcasm. "You left without telling me, Heart."
I wanted to tell him that I was planning to tell him that I was leaving but I could not continue because I was weakened by what I saw. My cousin and the person I love. How can I not be discouraged? I feel like boiling hot water poured on me! Hindi ko na lang siya pinansin kasi feeling ko maiiyak na naman ako.
Masakit.
Yes, I admit it. It was hurt, Ang hirap rin pala kapag nasa secret relationship at alam mong at in the first place you really don't have the rights. May label nga kami pero parang wala. Mas masakit pala ang gan'to? Akala ko mas masakit ang walang label pero I'm wrong. We have that so called "Label" but to have a label but it seems like nothing is more painful.
"You already eat lunch?" He asked and sat beside me.
Bahagya pa akong nagulat ng tabihan niya ako. He's staring at me and trying to catch my uncomfortable gaze.
I shook my head "I'm not on my mood..." I simply answered.
He grimace irritatedly "You need to eat. Anong gusto mo kainin?" He asked.
Saglit ko pa siya tinitigan. I can't see any emotion on his face. I avoided his gaze when he furrowed his brows.
"You meet your ex earlier then you're acting like that? What did he do?" He asked the annoyance trace on his tone.
"Nasasaksak nga siya, Magen. I didn't meet him intentionally..." I explained trying myself to calm down.
"Hindi ka kakain? Why? You're not on your mood? What did he do to you?"
I want to tell him that it's not Hanz but he did. What did you do to me, Magen? I want to ask him but I didn't intend to.
"Magen, I'm not on my mood," I stood up "I'm sleepy..." mahinahon kong paalam. Mabuti na lang hindi nabasag ang boses ko.
I'm not hungry and I don't have courage to eat right now. I'm mentally tired. He immediately held my left elbow and stopped me. I was staring at my boots. Natakpan ng kaunting hibla ng buhok ko ang mukha ko. I want to cry right now. Kailangan ko muna makalayo sa kaniya dahil ayaw ko maging mahina sa harapan niya.
"Ano Heart? Tinotoyo ka na naman? We're talking..." halatang nagtitimping sabi niya.
I swallowed hard, bigla akong nanghina sa paraan ng pagtatanong niya. Tinotoyo? Seriously?!
"I'm not tinotoyo, Magen. I'm just sleepy," I lied.
I'm not sleepy, I just want to force myself to sleep. Kasi kapag natulog ako ay mahihinto kahit saglit ang sakit. I want to stop hurting even just a minutes or hours. I bit my lips when he pulled me closer to him. It was as if my whole being was suddenly numb from the shock. My left arm slightly hit his hard chest. My chest throbbed so fast that what was in it seemed crazy.
"Hon... What's wrong?" he softly whispered.
Hindi ko alam kung pa'nong nagsibaksakan ang luha ko. I immediately wiped it using my right hand. No... please! I tried to get out of his grip without releasing a sob in my mouth but as time went on he gripped me tighter as if he really didn't want to let go of me.
"Heart..." pagtawag niya sa 'kin na para bang babala.
His voice is full of authority and I'm his servant so I need to follow everything that he said.
"M-me and Hanz.... broke up b-because he c-cheated once. He loves me so much and I know that. So I will not be surprised if you who do not love me will also cheat on m-me. I know I can't stop you from doing what you want. K-kasi sino ba naman ako? I'm just the woman who likes you and pushed myself to you because I really like you! If you cheat on me can you not show it to me? " napahikbi ako habang tuloy-tuloy parin ang pagluha. His lips parted. "P-pwede... pwede bang sa hindi ko nalang makikita?" I almost begged while sobbing.
Kasi masakit... kasi nakakapanghina... kasi nakakadurog.
I resisted his serious stare into my eyes. Although I have difficulty with my blurry eyes due to tears. I still made him stare. The formerly dangerous and serious expression of his face was slowly replaced by a calm and comforting expression. Nakita ko pa ang paglunok niya ng ilang beses bago dahan-dahan na tinaas ang kamay niya upang punasan ang luha ko.
"Your cousin likes me and I rejected her for more than a years. Ngayong nagkita kami ay sinubukan niya parin ako pero wala parin talaga--"
Tumango-tango ako at pilit na ngumiti "Kasi si Phoebe parin..." Agad siyang natigilan at saglit na nag-iwas ng tingin. Pakiramdam ko sinaksak ko ang sarili kong puso gamit ang salitang binitawan ko. I hurt myself because of what I said!
Alam ko... alam kong hindi ko kayang palitan si Phoebe sa puso niya. He's damn inlove the way I was! I know... I really know! And that's make anxious. I'm aware of it.
He scoffed "She said I would kiss her and I would tell her if I was feeling anything for her. If I realized I loved her because of the kiss and after when my answer is still the same then she will stop," he explained softly. "... and she did, she stopped,"
I stare at his eyes, I don't know if he's telling truth. Pero sige, dahil siya naman ang nagsabi ay ayos lang. He's the one who uttered that words so it's fine to me.
I nodded weakly "J-just don't let me see it..." I convinced myself to smile. "H'wag ka na lang magpahuli, Magen. Mas okay na 'yon sa 'kin. If you want to cheat then cheat j-just don't let me witness it... again," my voice cracked. I didn't hesitate to turn around.
I covered my mouth to stop myself to produce a loud sobs. I don't want to be weak in front of him. I don't want him to witness my weakness. Dapat matapang... dapat matibay ako sa harapan niya. I'm tolerating him... I'm tolerating a cheater. If anyone will know about this for sure they will criticize me but I love Magen and I'm willing to receive a criticism.
"I'm sorry..." he pleaded when I was about to open the door of Wave's room.
"Apology accepted..." I simply said and entered the room.
I accepted it.
The way I accepted the pain.
Hanggang kaya ko ay ayaw kong magtanim ng sama ng loob. Hanggang kaya ko ay gugustuhin ko na magpatawad. Hanggang kaya ko ay mananatili ako. Maybe love is really about stepping on your own grave. Once you love someone you will take a step forward even that is a death trap.
I cried for about a minutes inside Wave's room. Wave is the one who treasure me the most. He's my bestfriend and I always have a space in his heart. How iconic right? This is Wave's room but here I am crying because of another guy. I slept for about an hours and when I woke up Magen buy our foods. We're eating silently so It's awkward. Lolokohin ko lang rin kasi ang sarili ko kapag sinabi kong hindi ako umiyak kahit na namumula at namamaga ng kaunti ang mata ko.
"Manchy, uuwi na kami sa Manila. You can't stress yourself too much.." paalala ko kay Manchy habang hinihintay ang pagbukas ng elevator.
Nakita ko pa kung pa'no niya samaan ng tingin si Magen na nakatitig lang sa 'kin. "Ikaw rin po, Ate Heart. H'wag mo iyakan ang maling tao..." pinagdiinan niya pa ang huling sinabi niya bago umirap kay Magen.
I smiled at her, giving her a assurance that it's fine. The incident that she witness is fine. I don't know if she heard what Me and Magen talk about earlier inside her condo but I don't mind. I trust her too, the way she trusted me.
"I'm going back here next month. April 30 right? I want to surprise you, what gift do you want?"
It's her birthday, for sure Wave will gave her a celebration party. I wonder if Wave's going to go home here for his little sister? Hope he will!
"It's not surprise anymore if you ask her..." Magen whispered.My lips parted when I realized what he said.
"Hala! Akala ko nakalimutan mo na, Ate Heart. Gift? Hmmm..." tumingala pa siya para bang iniisip pa ang gusto niya. "Comeback na lang kayo ni kuya Wave. That's the best---"
"Let's go home..." matigas ang boses na sabi ni Magen bago ako hawakan sa baywang.
"Hey, may sinasabi pa ako kay Ate Heart," pagmamaktol ni Manchy bago ako hawakan sa braso at pigilan.
I swallowed hard when I felt Magen tightened the way he held my waist. Agad akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya. His jaw is clenching while giving Manchy a serious yet scary glare. I know that Manchy feel nervous too because she shut her mouth and nodded like a defeat while letting go of my arms.
"We need to go back in Manila. It's getting late so let's go..." aya niya sa 'kin kasabay ng pagbukas ng elevator.
I smiled at Manchy and wave my hand. She smiled widely too. She also gave me a flying kiss!
The ride went smooth even with traffic. No one intend to say something or make a conversation. I was just watching the vehicles passing by. It's passed 5pm when we arrived here in Cafeteria.
"Saan kayo galing? Hoy, Heart. Ang bago mo palang dito pero panay day off kana!" Anica scolded me and looked curiously at me and Magen.
I didn't say a words and let Magen handle it. I just put my elbow on the top of counter watched the customers who's busy with their own bizz. Some of them is reading books while sipping on their coffee. Some of them is talking with their friends and couple. Well, whatever. I just sighed and looked at my nails.
"You can stay at Heart's condo for awhile..." Magen said.
Agad akong nag-angat ng tingin kay Magen. He put his both hands inside of his pocket and raised his brows. He didn't told me that. Kunot-noo kong tiningnan si Magen but he just shrugged like I don't have the rights to declined it? Is he desisyon?
"What? Bakit?" Naguguluhan na tanong ni Anica. Tiningnan ko rin si Magen waiting for his answer!
Hindi naman sa ayaw ko kasama si Anica!I'm just shocked! Who will cook for her?! Me?!
"Kaela is with Rapha. Wala kang kasama sa bahay niyo. You can stay at Heart's condo. Right?" He looked at me waiting for my answer.
Binalik ko kay Anica ang tingin ko. She doesn't have a clue! Oh! I remembered that her sister is inside the jail and for sure she doesn't have kasama in their home. So, Magen asked me for this? Para may kasama si Anica?
"Ofcourse..." I said while smiling and nodding.
"Ay weh?! True ba?" Masayang tanong ni Anica.
I nodded immediately "I need someone rin sa unit ko e. It's boring kasi do'n. Kaya yeah," i reason out.
Anica looks excited because she want to see what my unit looks like. Thankfully she didn't ask where her sister staying. Maybe, sanay na siya?
"My dad asked me to handle our restaurant next week. I think I can't work to your cafeteria for the next week," I explained at Magen when I entered his car.
Bahagya pang nakatago sa gilid ng cafeteria niya ang kotse niya. So, I need to walked for a bit para walang makakita sa 'min. Grabe, daig ko pa ang mistress!
"Then you're fired..." he said seriously without mercy while fixing his seatbealt.
Napahinto ako sa pagsiseatbelt at sinamaan siya ng tingin. "I'm serious..." Anong fired? I'm just saying that I can't work next week!
"I'm serious too, you're fired." He even looked directly at my eyes without futher due!
I bit my lower lips when he started the engine. He is serious while looking at the road. Pakiramdam ko ay nangilid na ang luha sa mga mata ko.
"M-magen..." my voice cracked. The shock on his face trace when he gave me a quick glance. Para bang nagulat siya sa boses ko. "I'm serious with my job in your cafeteria..." I added honestly.
Nakita ko pa na umigiting ang panga niya at napahawak siya sa manibela ng mahigpit. He sighed "Actually Heart, you don't need to work at my cafeteria. You must take over your business. Help your parents instead of helping me. I don't need your help," he said using his husky voice.
Pakiramdam ko binagsakan ng mabigat na bagay ang dibdib ko habang tinititgan siya.
"I'm not helping you, Magen. I'm working---"
"Gano'n na rin 'yon, Heart."
I shook my head "It's not gano'n, Mags."
"Mags?" Kunot-noo niyang tanong.
Agad naman akong natigilan. Did I called him what? Mags?!
"Alright, Magen," I corrected. "I really want to---"
"To be a waitress?" He cutted my words and chuckled with disbelief. "Look, Heart. I'm saying this not to offend waiters or waitresses. I'm saying this for you, may pinag-aralan kang degree, Heart. You must need to use that knowledge. I know studying have a struggles that we encountered and you know what? You're throwing your parent's sacrifices and yours too. Hindi sa lahat ng oras nand'yan ang parents mo. Hindi sa lahat ng oras ay may taong tutulong sa 'yo. Know how to make money by yourself. Know how to stand alone without the help of others. Know how to collect barriers to protect yourself. Malay mo someday if you need protection. You can always count on yourself 'cause you have it," he said while looking on the road.
I bit my lower lips, I want to stay at his Cafeteria so I can see him around. I want to keep my eyes on him. Baka kasi may ibang babae ang lumapit sa kaniya.
I heard his heavy sighed "If you think that while you are not by my side I will find another woman then do not worry I will not let anyone flirt with me while you are away. I will not look at others while we are still in a relationship," he assured me.