Sobrang bilis ng pagkalabog ng dibdib ko. Nangangatog ang tuhod ko at nagtataas at baba na ang balikat ko habang walang humpay ang pagtulo ng mga luha sa aking pisnge.
He left me again.
Sa totoo lang nahihirapan ako. I know na hindi pa ga'no katagal ko siyang kilala. Wala pang isang taon pero ba't nasasaktan ako na para bang nadama ko 'to ng mahigit sampung taon?
The tears... this tears keep on betraying me. This feeling betrayed me.
I want to ask him, sa lumipas ba na mga araw habang kasama ako ay naging masaya siya? Kahit sikreto lang? Nakaramdam ba siya ng kakaibang feelings? Nakaramdam ba siya ng onting pagmamahal para sa'kin? Naattached ba siya? Pero... wala, napapanghinaan ako. Kasi alam ko na naman ang sagot sa mga itatanong ko.
Kasi nga... hindi niya ako mahal. Hindi niya naman talaga ako minahal.
I'm aware with it.
"M-magen! L-let's talk properly! P-please!" I cried while knocking at his door.
I stood up properly as I closed my fist to gain more strength. No one can hear me even him but I still have the guts to tried my luck.
Ayaw ko tapusin, kahit na alam ko na 'yon ang dapat. Ayaw ko... hindi ko kaya. I really like him, I felt like I was not complete without him. I am complete with him. Kaya bakit ako susuko? Sobrang sikip ng dibdib ko. Everytime I knock at his door it feels like I was hitting my heart. It's hurting me and abusing my heart.
"I l-love you, M-magen. P-please... let's don't break up," my voice cracked when I begged for him again.
I'm here again at the circle where I'm begging tp him.
Na sana bigyan niya ulit ng pagkakataon ang nararamdaman ko. Sana... sana bigyan niya ulit ako ng rason para hindi tuluyan na sumuko.
Of course, no Magen appear because he doesn't care how many tears I've produce. Wala na naman siyang pakialam. How can he the guy like this? Ba't parang sobrang sakit niyang mahalin? Ba't sobrang hirap niya mapaamo? Bakit?
Umiling-iling ako habang patuloy parin sa pag-iyak at pagkatok sa pinto niya. My both hands are now red because I knocked too hard. Baka sakaling marinig niyang maigi. Na nandito ako, still waiting for him to open his door. The door of his soul.... his heart.
Kasi hindi ako mapapagod na paulit-ulit na kumatok para makatanggap ng pagmamahal niya.
Sana talaga hindi.
I bit my lower lips and nodded. Babalik ako bukas, I'll never stop for chasing him. Hindi ko siya titigilan hanggang umabot sa punto na balingan niya naman 'yung nararamdaman ko. Kahit kaunti lang... ayos na 'yon.
I want him to at least try to love me. I will not push him to love me. I'll want him to try. Ayaw kong pilitin... gusto ko lang subukan niya.
Napaupo agad ako sa sahig at sinandal ang likod sa aking pintuan ng makapasok ako ng unit ko. I hugged my knees with my shaking shoulder. Today, the big storm appeared and it destroyed me.
All I want is to be love by him. Hindi ba talaga pwede? Hindi ba talaga kaya? Hindi ba talaga kayang subukan? Kahit kaunti lang na pag-asa? Wala ba talaga?
I'm not blaming myself for this. Hindi ko sisisihin ang sarili ko dahil umaasa ako. Ano'ng magagawa ko? Ang kaya ko lang gawin sa ngayon ay umasa. Na... ah, baka mahalin niya rin ako. Baka mahalin niya rin ako katulad ng pagmamahal ko sa kaniya. Baka pwede... baka kaya pa.
Inangat ko ang tingin ko sa paligid. Sobrang tahimik, no one is here. Walang Anica... walang Hailey... walang Lami... walang Sele... walang Denver... walang Chave... walang Neejan. No one is here to comfort me and no one know that I need one.
I want a warmth hug that can helps me to feel that I was in my safe place. I want someone to tap my shoulder and say that it's fine. I want someone to help me to lessen this pain. I want someone to help me to wipe this tears.... pero wala... kahit isa.
I've sheltered with a solitude agonies. No one intend to save me from this ocean of thorny waves. I was alone and no one know.
I didn't go out of my room even Anica is looking for me. I woke up when the reflection of sunlight darted on my face. I rubbed my eyes as I seat properly. Hanggang ngayon ay nanghihina parin ako. Agad parin akong tumayo. I need to meet Magen. I want to talk to him sincerely. I want him to know that I really love him. Na... seryoso ako at hindi ako susuko.
I was wearing a white hoodie and maong jeans partnered with my flat shoes. I covered my hair using the hoodie. Nakasuot rin ako ng itim na salamin para matago ang namamaga kong mata.
I was here in front of his office room. May iilan pang- employees ang nagtataka kung bakit ako nakatayo dito. I was leaning on his wall while my hands are inside my hoodie's pocket.
Nakita kong bumakas sa mukha ni Anica ang pagkaawa dahil halos apat na oras na akong nakatayo dito. I know Magen is inside, he locked the door. Para bang alam na niya na susundan ko siya dito.
Anica asked me many times what happened but I chose to shut my mouth off and not open up something. Ayaw kong dumagdag sa problema niya.
Yumuko na lang ako at pilit na binabaling sa sahig ang atensyon ko. I know that my tears are ready to fall down but I stop them dahil kailangan. I played my fingers and stamped a bit my flat shoes on the ground. I need to distract myself so I can't cry right now.
Kailangan kong maging matatag. In the war of love my most important weapon that I need is to have a strength. Lakas na lumaban at ipaglaban ang pagmamahal.
"Chef Heart?" Agad ako napaangat ng tingin sa nagsalita.
I swallowed hard when I saw Rain's worried face. He examined my looks as he stare at my face. Para bang tumatagos ang tingin niya at nakikita ang namamaga kong mata.
I smiled awkward and stood up properly "H-hi, R-rain..." kinakabahan kong sabi.
I'm nervous because he's here. I can hurt him too... right now and that's made me nervous because I'm scared of hurting other people.
Kung mayroon na masasaktan sa aming dalawa ay dapat ako na lang.
"Why are you here? Bakit ka nakatayo lang d'yan? Come here... kasama ko daddy mo," nanlaki ang mata ko ng may ituro siyang pwesto.
It was my dad! He's waving his right hand to me. Gusto kong tumakbo palapit sa kaniya at yumakap habang naiyak! I want someone to hug me tight so I can feel better. Sana mayroon... kahit isa lang.
"Dad, you first met Rain than your only daughter?" I said full of sarcasm.
I seat in front of him, dad pouted as he looked at Rain that sat beside me. I'm wearing a mask right. An invisible mask, ako lang ang may alam at nakakakita.
"Thanks," I thanked Rain when he gave me an oreo frappe.
He just nodded as a respond. Saglit pa ako na nagbalik ng tingin sa opisina ni Magen. Isang angat ko lang ng tingin ay tanaw ko na. Kaya hindi ako mahihirapan na bantayan parin kung lalabas siya.
"I need to meet someone," dad said and stopped "You must visit your mom at home, Poena." Mahinahon na dagdag niya bago humigop sa kaniyang kape.
Tipid akong ngumiti, he need to meet someone and I know that is a business related again. Mom is a very busy person. I mean, she likes doing household stuff at bumili ng mga mamahalin na bagay. Most of our things on house are louis vuitton, hermes, chanel, and gucci. I don't know but the first thing I know. It was her addiction! Her room, kahit saan ka tumingin ay malulula ka. Sometimes, I want to ask dad why he let mom do it. I mean, mom is busy buying some stuffs while dad is busy earning money!
I pouted bago bumaling sa opisina ni Magen pabalik kay Dad. "I will dad," I sipped the drinks that Rain gave me so I lifted my head to looked at him.
He is staring at me, tinaasan ko siya ng kilay pero parang wala siyang pakialam na nahuli ko siya. He also raised his brows and widened his eyes.
"When?" Nabalik kay Dad ang atensyon ko.
"Maybe next week," I answered without hesitation.
"Siguraduhin mo," Dad added.
I pouted and nodded like a puppy. "Of course, Dad." I assure him.
He smiled kaya napabalik ang tingin ko sa pintuan ng opisina ni Magen. I let a heavy sigh escaped but I make sure they didn't notice it.
"Put that eyeglasses down, Poena," Dad command me.
Agad akong napaayos ng upo. I don't want him to see my pluffy eyes. I don't want him to worry. I don't want anyone worry about me. Ako nalang, I'm the only one who must be worry about myself. Walang iba kundi ako lang. I don't want to put even the tiniest amount of sadness on others.
"D-dad..." inayos ko ang pagkakalagay ng salamin sa mata ko at ngumiti, peke. "This is a fashion style," I lied.
Style? Fashion style? Maybe a style to cover the pain and tears. I smiled widely when I saw how my dad buy that reason because he just nodded and continue sipping his coffee.
"By the way, this is our restaurant's head chef. Rain Oliver Cross Kiano. A model too and endorser," Dad introduce Rain formally.
I massage my hips softly while smirking "Kawawa ka nung bata ka 'no?" Tanong ko na may halong pang-aasar.
My Dad's and Rain's brows furrowed "W-what?" Tanong ni Rain.
"Haba ng name mo e. For sure, you're having a difficulties on pagsusulat ng name," I said and rolled my eyes.
Nakita ko ang pag-angat ng labi niya at bumaling kay Dad na nakangisi naman sa'kin. Para bang mayro'n silang mga naiintindihan na silang dalawa lang ang makakaintindi and I can't step on that line.
"Poena, kinder palang si Rain ay siya na ang top 1. Noong elementary naman siya ay lagi rin siyang Top 1 in the class. He graduated in elementary with cum laude awarded. Best in Math, best in english, best in science and best in filipino. Naging athlete rin siya, he's the MVP of his team. In highschool, he still ranked top 1 every quarters. An athlete too, He joined basketball team and some quiz bee. In college,---"
"Dad, tama na..." natatawang awat ko sa kaniya bago ngumiti ng alanganin kay Rain.
Para kasing handa si Dad na ikwento ang talambuhay ni Rain. Nakakahiya! Is dad a stalker?! Seriously?
"No, it's fine. Go on, Tito. Ipagmalaki mo ako sa babaeng nasa harapan mo at katabi ko. Baka makadagdag pogi points..." tinaasan pa ni Rain ng kilay si Dad at ngumiti ng nakakaloko.
Dad just thumb up and looked at me "In college, he was cum laude awarded too. An basketball athlete, MVP Awarded. He is also once a campus student president," he added, proudly.
"Ako rin naman, Dad! May award," I said, proudly too.
Mayabang akong humalakipkip at nagtaas ng kilay. I'm not famous when we're in elementary or highschool. It was when I was in college, I learned how to put makeups on my face and I was awarded at best in liptint! Kasi kahit liptint lang daw minsan ang make up ko ay maganda ako. Which is super true!
Dad chuckled "Yeah, Best in liptint awarded." He said while mocking.
"By the way, kanina pa kayo dito?" I asked Rain and looked at my dad.
Dad's phone rang so he suddenly stood up and answered it without any hesitation. He even walked away! Business again.
"Yeah, I saw you earlier. Kanina pa kita nakita but I chose not to bother you. It takes almost four hours? Kaya nilapitan na kita. You're waiting to him?" He asked me comfortably while looking directly at my eyes.
Ako ang nahiya sa titig niya kaya nag-iwas ako ng tingin.
"Your blue eyes looks good to you. Is that natural right? Hindi contact lense." He added.
"Yeah, natural. Why you didn't talk to me when you saw me?" I asked curiously.
Pasimple akong uminom sa frappe na hawak hawak ko. Masyado siyang malamig kaya ang hinliliit ko sa kanan na kamay ay bahagyang nakataas.
He chuckled "Why would I? Baka magalit ka sa'kin," mahinahon niyang sabi habang binabalot ang iniinuman ko ng tissue para hindi ako lamigin.
I stared at every moves he did. He gave me a soft and calming expression reason why It feels awkward.
"Why would I?" I asked him.
"Ayaw ko lang abalahin ka. Let's stop talking about him. Dapat kapag ako ang kasama mo ay mayroon kang peace of mind. I want you to relax with me. No him... only me. No pains... only smiles," pursigidong sabi niya habang nilalahad ng maayos sa'kin ang frappe ko.
Hindi nalang ako nagsalita. I bit my lower lip as I looked away. He's so soft and fragile. I don't want to hurt him.
"Heart!" Napabaling ako sa counter ng sumigaw si Anica.
My eyes widened when I saw Magen got out of his office. Our eyes met, he clenched his jaw when he noticed that I'm still here. His dark expression is very intimidating. I sweat a bullets when he walked towards me. Agad akong napatayo habang nangangatog ang hita. My chest pound so fast. Hindi ko mapahinto at mapahinahon. My heart beats so loud. Sobrang nakakabingi at nakakawala sa hwisyo.
Hindi ko nabilang kung halos ilang beses akong napalunok habang pinapanood siya palapit sa'kin. Pakiramdam ko sobrang saya ko at mapapaluha na ako. The way he combed his hair and put his hands inside his pockets looks like a slow motion. Even my breathe... halos tumigil.
"M-magen..." naluluhang tawag ko sa kaniya nang huminto siya sa harapan ko.
Umigting ang kaniyang panga at seryoso akong tinitigan. "What?" Parang galit na tanong niya.
Hindi ko alam kung saan ako babaling. Kung dapat ko ba iwasan ang nakakapanlambot niyang titig. Para bang sa isang kalabit nalang sa'kin ay wala na. Sobrang mahina nanaman ako.
I swallowed hard again, I didn't bother to take off my eyes to him "P-please..." napahinto ako dahil sa pagpiyok. "A-ko nalang,"
Agad siyang napaiwas ng tingin sa'kin na para bang iniiwasan niya rin ang nararamdaman ko. I bit my lower lip and tried to take a step but my knees are too week. It feels like a marshmallow, sobrang lambot.
"Where's Tito?" Magen said so my brows furrowed.
"T-tito?" Kunot-noo na tanong ko.
I even fixed some strands of my hair my eyeglasses. Making sure that I can see his face, clearly.
Nagtiim-bagang siyang tumitig sa'kin pabalik kay Rain na nakatitig naman sa'kin. I don't know what's the right thing to do right now. My chest felt so heavy and my mind is not in a good condition. Hindi ako makapag-isip ng maayos.
"Tito..." he swallowed hard and roam around. "Tito Renz... Tito Lorenzo,"
My eyes widened because of what he said. It's my Dad! How can he... pa'no niya nakilala si Dad? Business? How?
"H-how did you--"
"I'm asking..." pagputol niya sa sinasabi ko.
He looked again at Rain like this guy did something wrong and Magen knows about it.
"Someone---"
"Heart..." napahinto ako sa malambing na tawag ni Rain. "Sit down," he said and looked at Magen, emotionless. "May tumawag sa number ni Tito Lor," paliwanag niya. "I said seat down, Heart." Mahinahon na ulit niya.
Napalunok ako na tumango-tango. I was about to seat down when Magen glare badly at me. Para bang kapag sinunod ko si Rain ay sasamain ako sa kaniya.
"I'm still talking to you," maawtoridad na sabi ni Magen bago simple na bumaling ng masama kay Rain.
"You can talk to her habang nakaupo siya," sabat ni Rain na nagpakunot sa noo ni Magen at nagpaawang sa bibig ko.
"And I can still talk to him while she's standing..." Magen irritatedly said.
"You still can while she's seating..." Rain fired him back.
Pabalik-balik ang tingin ko sa kanilang dalawa. Magen chuckled annoyingly while glaring at Rain who's busy glaring badly at Magen. Parang sa pagtitigan nila ay namumuo ang kakaibang mundo na kung saan kaming tatlo lang ang nasa loob.
"Umupo ka rin kung gusto mo..." Rain seriously said.
"Huwag mo ako utusan," Supladong sagot ni Magen.
"Don't command Heart to stand up while talking to you,"
"I want her to talk to me while she's standing..." Mahinahon ngunit bakas ang pagkairita na sabi ni Magen.
Napatikhim ako kaya parehas silang napahinto. I swallowed hard when Magen stared at me, intently. Parang biglang nalusaw ang pagkatao ko sa nakakatakot niyang titig.
"Tito Lor is here so you must respect Heart even just today. Act like a man or go out and don't see heart ever again--"
Halos mapatalon kaming dalawa ni Rain ng padabog at mabilis na umupo sa tabi ko si Magen. He even pulled the chair beside me so he can seat beside me.
"Oh! What a beautiful frame!" Dad happily said while looking at us.
I closed my eyes when I felt the reflection of camera's flash on my eyes. He took a picture of us! Napatingin ako kay Rain na inusog ang kaniyang upuan palapit sa akin. He didn't gave my dad a look because he's busy staring at me. Lalo akong nagulat ng umusog rin sa tabi ko si Magen. He's staring at me softly. Kakaiba.
"Move..." baling ni Rain kay Magen.
"Move..." balik ni Magen kay Rain.
Amoy na amoy ko ang malamig nilang hininga na amoy menthol but their eyes are full of fire. Parang bang dinusunog nila ang isa't-isa. Matira matibay.
"Bakit ko gagawin 'yon?" Rain playfully said and come closer to me.
Hindi ako makagalaw dahil alam kong sa isang galaw ko lang ay lalapat ang labi niya sa pisnge ko. I was just staring at my Dad. Kunot-noo rin siya na nakatitig sa dalawa at sa'kin pero agad rin na bumakas ang ngiti sa labi niya.
My eyes widened when dad gave me a thumbs up and turned his back! Nagalakad na siya palayo at parang pinabayaan na ako dito sa hotseat!
"Why would I too?" Magen huskily said on my ears!
Napalunok ako, I held my fingers tightly. "H-hey--"
"I like her ever since. Simula no'ng bata palang kami. She was the girl that I was waiting for. You keeps on hurting her. Kaya sino ka para umakto ng gan'to? You keeps on puting a scars on her heart. Kaya umayos ka dahil kahit alam kong ikaw ang gusto niya. Ipaglalaban ko siya," Rain seriously said.
Akmang lilingunin ko siya "Don't," mahinang bulong ni Magen. "Mahahalikan mo siya. Kaya don't," napalunok akong sumunod.
I was just staring at my frappe and waiting for them to get away. Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko at sobra na rin ang kalabog ng dibdib ko.
"Gusto mo siya?" Mahinahon na tanong ni Magen.
Na para bang ready na siya ipamigay ako sa iba. It's hurting me, the pain starting to grew larger.
"Yes," Rain confidently answered.
My eyes widened when I felt someone's hand on my waist and I'm sure who's the one.
"Then back off, dude. She's mine!" Iritadong sabi ni Magen bago ako hilahin paupo sa kaniyang hita na talagang nagpagulat sa'min ni Rain at ng iilan na tao.