Ngayon ko lang napansin ang suot niya. He is now wearing a white longsleeve folded into his elbow partnered with his black slacks and his favorite white loafers. I can smeel his scent all over this room.
"M-magen," I called him while fixing my eyeglasses.
He is not sitting on his gray swivel chair while playing his ballpen. His attention is fully on the papers on his table but when I called him he immediately lifted his head to look at me. I was seating here on the couch inside his office. Simula no'ng nangyari kanina ay hinila na niya ako papasok dito. I wanted to ask him about it but there's something about me that stopping me.
"Ano?" Matigas niyang tanong.
He even raised his brows reason why I felt nervous even more. Pinaikot niya ang parker niyang ballpen sa kaniyang daliri habang tinititigan ako at hinihintay ang sagot ko. I admit it, I can see hopes when he said those words to Rain but I know that I can't be happy without the fully assurance.
Hindi ako totally pwede na mag-assume. Hinding-hindi kung ayaw ko na masaktan pa ako ng tuluyan. When I assume it just means I let the door of grief open that I really don't want to happen. Not to assume the safest I can do.
"A-are we back togethe---" I threw a card again but I failed.
"No..." mabilis niyang sagot.
Napangiti ako ng mapait bago mag-iwas ng tingin. I must keep that question alone! Dapat hindi ko nalang siya tinanong! Dapat pala talaga hinayaan ko nalang lahat. I bit my lower lip and played my fingers. I even swallowed hard while avoiding his gaze. I'm back here again. Where I always produce a tear. An uncountable tears as if I also have no right to appeal to my tears because in the first place I have no right to always stop them.
"When are we going to U.S to buy your phone--"
He sniffed, calmly "I already buy one. Inutusan ko si Mint na bilihan ako ng cellphone sa ibang bansa," seryosong sagot niya bago ibalik ang atensyon sa mga papel sa harapan niya.
Parang tinutusok na naman ang dibdib ko habang tinititigan siya. He is seriously reading something and I can't do anything but to stare at his almost perfect face. I have a hard time finding a way to just talk to him and focus on him. Do I still need to shout out loud and say that I want him to talk to me for a long time? Kahit pilit na kausapin lang ako? Hindi parin ba kaya? Hindi parin ba pwede?
"Nakalabas naba si Kaela ng jail?" I changed the topic but I also seem to have mispronounced the question. He slowly looked up at me again.
Kunot-noo niya akong tiningnan "Stop asking that question here. Anica might hear you," iritadong saway niya.
Then what do you want me to do?!
I took a deep breath and massage my temple. Bakit parang pati pagtatanong ay wala akong karapatan? Why he keeps on putting the tears button of me? Bakit lagi nalang Magen? Bakit? Hindi ba pwedeng 'wag muna?
I just nodded "Sorry for asking..." tipid ko s'yang nginitian.
Sorry for asking! Sorry for being like this. Sorry for trying to open a conversation. Sorry sa lahat lahat!
Tumikhim siya kaya agad akong nag-angat ng tingin sa kaniya "Are... are we going to Manchy's birthday?" He asked seriously before looking away.
My lips parted, I almost forgot. Hindi ko pa nabibilihan ng regalo si Manchy. Thanks to Magen!
"Are we?" Kunot-noo na tanong ko. "Sasama ka?" Nagtatakang tanong ko bago umayos ng pagkakaupo.
He chuckled and fixed his papers. He put all of it inside his brown folder and zipped it. Bawat paggalaw niya ay parang minamarkahan niya ang mga bakas nito.
"Yes, sasama ako sa'yo," he said seriously and throw his ballpen inside the cabinet.
"Why?" Tanong ko habang kinakabahan.
Bakit siya sasama? Is he close with Manchy? I don't think he is! Kaya bakit pa siya sasama? Sasama ba siya para may mahanap na magandang babae sa party?!
His brows furrowed when he stood up and put his hands inside his pocket "Bakit hindi?" Tinaasan niya pa ako ng kilay. "Put down that eyeglasses," tiim-bagang na utos niya.
Agad akong napalunok at umiling-iling "T-this is a style!" I manage to lied, again.
Ayaw makita ng ibang tao lalo na niya ang mga mata ko na namamaga. I don't want him to pity me. My eyes are the evidence that I was hurt. Truly hurt! Baka kaawaan niya lang ako. Oo, gusto ko na makipagbalikan siya sa'kin. Kahit na alam kong do'n sa relationship na 'yon ay wala ang pinakaimportanteng sangkap.
The love coming from us. Kasi ang sa'kin lang ang naro'n at hindi ko alam kung magkakaroon ba siya ng ambag do'n.
He chuckled "That's not your style, Heart." He stopped in front of me. "Honey, take this off," mariin na bulong niya bago dahan-dahan na tanggalin ang suot kong salamin.
I stopped him "M-magen, no... I n-need that to--" iiwas ko na sana ang mukha ko pero agad na niya natanggal ang salamin.
"Dito lang tayo sa office hangga't hindi pa nawawala ang maga ng mata mo. I'm the one who made your eyes like that so the best thing I can do is to stay beside you..." He assured me while staring directly at me.
Kahit hindi ako totally na nakatingin sa kaniya ay alam ko dahil kitang-kita ko sa aking peripheral view. He is staring at me, calmly! I bit my lower lips and tried to stare at him. His pleaded eyes give a warm hug in my soul. Para bang nasa tamang tao ako.
"T-this is not your fault at all. I'm the one who loves you and it's not your fault if you can't feel anything about me," I'm thankful; because my voice didn't cracked.
Seryoso siyang tumitig sa'kin "I'm in fault too. I took advantage of your weakness state. I want to try, Heart. Gusto rin naman kita mahalin kaso... I can't fully give you the assurance. Nalilito pa ako, Heart. I don't want to try with this kind of state. I don't want to hurt you more. Ang unfair kasi sa side mo. You have the beautiful face and body also the attitude. I know that you're a soft person. I don't want us to settle on the secret relationship. You're almost perfect and I want to give you the most priceless relationship if ever. Ginagawa kitang sikreto at hindi 'yon tama. Alam ko 'yon and I'm an asshole because of that," he stopped when he saw my tears fell on my cheeks.
He sat beside me with his pleaded eyes "You know... I felt something too but it's uncertain. Your style are opposite to what I want but you still hooked my attention. Pero kasi... hindi pa talaga kaya, Heart. I wanted to be officially your boyfriend if I have the hundred percent or even a ninety percent. I want to be sure not because of my sake. Gusto kong sigurado ako sa nararamdaman ko dahil paniguradong hindi kita sasaktan kapag nangyari 'yon,"
Sobrang bilis ng kalabog ng dibdib ko at sobrang bilis rin ang pagtibok ng puso ko habang tinititigan ang mga mata niya na nangungusap. I can see the honesty on his eyes. It feels like he is really up to something and that something... is something who can protect me.
Something that I can lean on when I need to. Something that can lessen the tears coming to my eyes. Something who can heal the wound in my heart. Something that I always count with. Something that will always protect myself from being hurt.
"G-gusto ko sumubok pero hindi ko pa kaya. Gusto kita ipagmalaki sa iba kaso bumabalik 'yung mga alaala ni Dad and his girl. So, wait for me please. H'wag kang babaling sa iba habang nilalabanan ko pa 'yung takot," halos magmakaawa na sabi niya.
I wanted to ask him. Why he's scared but I didn't try. He have a trauma ba? So, he can take the risk? Even with the name of love? He really can't? His Dad's girl and his dad? Ito ba 'yung sinasabi ni Mint?
I just nodded and smiled at him. I'm happy right now because I know that he wants to try too but I wished that while he's trying... ay hindi ako paulit-ulit na masaktan dahil ayaw kong umabot sa punto na katulad ng nangyari sa'min ni Hanz. Na namanhid na ako at sa sobrang pagkamanhid ay hindi ko na naramdaman pa 'yung pagmamahal ko. Kahit na alam kong mayro'n pa. Kahit alam kong may natira pa.
"It's fine," I softly said.
Saglit niya pa akong tinitigan na para bang sinosolo niya lahat ng bawat parte at hulma ng mukha ko. He stood up and go back to his table. Pinanood ko ang bawat paggalaw niya. He even combed his hair while finding something inside his small cabinet. I want to ask him but didn't intend to.
My brows furrowed when I saw what he's holding "Why you have that?" Kunot-noo na tanong ko bago tingnan ang color yellow na scrunchie na hawak niya . "Kay Phoebe ba 'yan?! Don't put that on me!" Halos maghisterical kong sigaw bago tumayo.
Parang kumalabog ang dibdib ko habang tinitingnan ang bagay na hawak niya. Bakit ka may gan'yan Magen? Don't tell me that you let Phoebe enter here? Paupo na sana siya sa tabi pero natigilan siya. I immediately stood up, kinuha ko ang eyeglasses ko at mabilis na sinuot. Pakiramdam ko sasabog ako sa sobrang pagkainis at pagkainggit. I was about to walk away when he held my elbow and stop me.
He looked at me, curiously "Pinagsasabi mo?" Nanliit ang mata na tanong niya.
He pulled me closer to him. I even bumped into his chest dahilan ng pagbilis muli ng pagtibok ng puso ko. I stared at him when his jaw clenched. His warm stare darted at me as if I was a fragile and soft thing that he doesn't want to let go.
"I buy this for you," He said softly while fixing some strand of my hair.
I feel like I was statue because of what he did. He did not really know and he was not aware that his presence really changed the system of my body. My personality is not weak but when he is, I quickly weaken. Even with his simple gestures. Nanghihina na agad ako at parang rumurupok lahat ng parte ng katawan ko.
"Binilhan mo rin ba si Phoebe?" Seryosong tanong ko bago umiwas ng tingin.
What the hell, Heart?! Ikaw nga na hindi naman talaga gusto ay nagawa niyang bilhan! Ayun pa na talagang gusto? Mag-isip ka, okay? Hindi pwedeng puro ganda lang. Bahagya akong umatras palayo sa kaniya dahil bigla nalang ako nakaramdam na kakaibang pakiramdam. Ang pakiramdam na parang binubudbudran ng sili ang aking buong pagkatao.
Aatras pa sana ko ngunit pinigilan niya na ako. Hindi ko alam kung saan ba ako babaling or dapat pa ba ako na bumaling sa iba? His hands are on my waist and I swear that his big hands look like he hold my heart safely! It's making me crazy! Sobrang nakakabaliw na ang mga pinagagawa niya!
Tumikhim siya at maayos na sinuklay ang buhok ko gamit ang kaniyang daliri. "Ikaw lang ang binilhan ko," seryosong sabi niya habang iniipitan ako.
Nakaharap ako sa kaniya kaya kitang-kita ko ang kabuuan ng kaniyang perpektong mukha. His manly scent filled my nose. The fast beating of my heart and pounding chest filled my ears. He looked down at me before giving me a simple but attractive look.
"Ikaw lang ang binilhan ko nito, okay?"
"B-bakit hindi mo siya binilhan. Diba s-siya naman talaga 'yung g-gusto mo," Agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin.
He sniffed "I don't know too. Basta ikaw ang naalala ko," seryoso siyang nagkibit balikat. "Already done!" Masayang sabi niya nang matapos na ipitan ang aking buhok.
"Where is Phoebe?" seryoso ko siyang tinitigan.
Unti-unti na napawi ang ngiti niya. Nakita ko pa ang pagbuntong-hininga niya bago tamad na umupo sa single couch na kanina ay inuupuan ko. He looked at me seriously, it was as if he was saying that we should move away from the topic I said and not talk about the name of the woman I mentioned because he could do nothing but hurt me if we continued on the topic I wanted.
"Hindi ko alam, Heart." Hindi niya nilubayan ang titig ko.
"Mga ilang percent mo siyang g-gusto?" kinakabahan kong tanong.
Nakatayo ako dito sa harapan niya at kahit natatakot ay nagawa parin bigkasin ng bibig ko ang mga salitang alam kong makakapanakit sa'kin.
"Mag-aaway na naman ba tayo?" seryosong tanong niya.
"Nagtatanong lang ako. Is it bad to ask Magen? Masama ba na---"
"Yes, masamang magtanong ng gan'yan. I don't want you ask me that kind of question,"
Naluluha ko siyang tinitigan "W-why? I just want to know. Kahit dito ba ay wala akong karapatan? Do I also have no right to ask? I just want to know from you the truth, Magen. Is that really b-bad?" my voice cracked so I look away.
It was as if my heart had been shot and the arrow had poisoned permanently weakened my personality and saddened my heart. It's killing me!
"Ayaw ko kasi nagkakagan'yan ka!" He stood up and stare at me "I'm trying, Heart! I'm trying to avoid from hurting you but... why you keep on asking those questions? Ayaw ko saktan ka pero ba't ikaw 'yung nagawa ng ikakasakit mo? Why heart?"
Pinakatitigan ko pa siya ng maigi "Iniwan ka? Umalis na naman ba siya?" hindi ko pinansin ang sinabi niya.
Kaya mo ba ako tinutuunan ng pansin? Kasi wala 'yung original? Kasi wala 'yung totoong mahal? Kaya 'yung panakip butas muna? Gano'n ba 'yon? Tsaka ba't hindi ako magtatanong I want the truth! Even I know that it will surely hurt me!
"Hindi niya ako iniwan at hindi siya umalis," seryoso niyang sagot habang tinititigan ako.
"Bakit hindi mo alam? Dapat-"
"Heart..." nangungusap niyang pigil sa'kin. "Kailangan ba alam ko?"
Naitikom ko ang bibig ko dahil sa tono ng boses niya ay parang nagmamakaawa na siya na tigilan ko na ang kung ano man na gusto kong itanong.
He held my elbow again as he sat on the couch. He slowly pulled me closer to him and make me sit on his lap! Nakailang lunok pa ako habang tinititigan siya.
"Kailangan ba na saktan kita para mapunan 'yang mga iniisip mo? Can't we stay together without your questions? Can't we stay together without hurting you? pwede ba?" Nagsusumamo na tanong niya bago maglakad palapit sa'kin.
"Alam kong simula palang ay nasasaktan na kita. I'm aware with it and I'm the biggest asshole. So, I'm trying to avoid hurting you and you must too,"
"G-gusto ko lang magtanong, Magen. Where part of it you can't understand?" Napahikbi ako habang umiiwas ng tingin.
Pakiramdam ko ay sobrang bigat ng nararamdaman ko at hindi ko alam kung tama ba na magtanong pa ako.
"I already told you that I don't love Phoebe and I just like her. Gusto ko siya pero hindi ko siya mundo. So, stop asking me a questions that as if I'm deeply inlove,"
Kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa sinabi "You didn't know what love is, Magen. The way you smiled at her! It's... it's real! You let her see whoever you are. Ang dali-dali sa kaniya na makita kang masaya but me..."
Agad akong tumalikod at pinunasan ang luha na tumulo sa aking pisnge. I can't continue what I've said because it's slowly killing me. Naalala ko na naman 'yung nakita ko siya kasama si Phoebe. The way he smiled at her is really priceless and I can't buy any of it.
"Heart..." tawag niya sa'kin.
Agad akong napaupo habang sapo-sapo ang aking mukha. Pinigilan ko ang pagkawala ng malakas na paghikbi sa bibig ko pero hindi ko nagawa. I cried out loud and I can't stop it.
"H-honey... stop crying. Sorry for smiling at her. Hindi ko na uulitin. Huwag kana umiyak, please?"
Napatigil alo dahil sa sinabi niya. I stare at him when he squat in front of me to see my reaction. His worried face made my heart beats so fast. He licked his lower lips while examining my face. He slowly held my hands and wiped my tears using his fingers.
"Sayo nalang ako ngingiti, okay?"
I didn't answer him because right now. I'm truly speechless. His gaze drifted on my lips reason why I felt like my cheeks is burning. Parang unti-unti na nalulusaw ang bigat na nararamdaman ko dahil sa kalmado niyang pagtitig.
"Does Wave kiss you?"
Nanlaki ang mata ko na umiling "N-no!"
"How about Hanzel?" Seryosong tanong niya na para bang sa isang mali na sagot ko ay sasamain kaming lahat.
"N-no!" Kinakabahan kong sagot.
His brows furrowed while staring directly at my eyes "Rain?"
"W-what?"
"How about Rain?"
"Of course n-not!" Kinakaban akong tumawa.
"How about someone did---"
"My lips is still virgin!" I announced.
His eyes widened and looked at my lips back to my eyes. Para bang sinusuri niya kung nagsasabi ba ako ng totoo. Agad siyang umiwas ng tingin bago kumamot sa kaniyang batok.
"Y-you... you kiss Phoebe?" Mahinahon kong tanong.
His eyes widened and immediately shooked his head "No! Honey, I didn't," mabilis niyang sagot.
Pinakatitigan ko siya parang bang iniisip kung totoo ba ang sagot niya. Really? I don't think so.
"Are you sure?" Mahinahon kong tanong.
"Y-yes..."
"Ba't ka nauutal!" Padabog akong tumayo at sinamaan siya ng tingin.
"H-huh?" Naguguluhan niyang sabi.
"Nauutal ka, Magen. Kaya nagsisinungaling ka," bintang ko sa kaniya.
He raised his brows while staring at me and taking a steps toward me. "Nauutal ka rin kanina. Is it mean that you're lying?"
Napahinto ako sa paghinga ng saglit bago magpakawala ng malalim na pagbuntong hininga. I avoided his gaze and tried myself to calm down.
"Hindi! Baka ikaw!"
He stare at me badly "I want to know, Heart. Para alam ko kung sino ang mas lamang sa kanilang tatlo,"
Nanlaki ang mata ko dahil sa sinabi niya "W-wala nga kasi! Ang kulit!" Namumulang sagot ko.
"Talaga?" Seryosong tanong niya bago humakbang palapit sa'kin. "Talagang-talaga?" He held my waist and pinched it a bit.
"Baka ikaw kamo, you're a playboy for sure you kiss Phoebe already and many more. You even kissed my cousin. You kissed many women out there and I'm sure with. Magen pa ba?!" I rolled my eyes.
Magen smiled at me kaya mas lalo akong nairita but it fades immediately when he kissed my jaw. Agad akong naestatwa kahit smack lang 'yon.
He held my jaw and massage it. Sobrang lapit na niya at kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay mga one inches lang ang layo namin sa isa't-isa.
"M-magen, hindi ako magagalit. U-umamin---"
Before I can continue what I'm talking about he immediately attacked my lips as if it's a food and he's a hungry man. Tuluyan na akong nanghina sa paraan ng paghalik niya sa'kin. Na para bang isa akong yelo na nilagay sa kumukulong mantika. Naramdaman ko ang maingat niyang paghagod sa baywang ko na para bang minamasahe niya rin upang pakalmahin ako.
I closed my eyes while kissing him too. He carry me and hugged me tigthly before putting me on the top of his table. Sa bawat paggalaw niya ay nararamdaman ko ang pag-iingat na para bang isa akong babasagin na bagay na kapag nilapag niya lang kung saan ay mababasag. He kissed me deeply, the way his soft lips rubbing on my lips feels insane. Sobrang lambot na para bang isang marshmallow na pipiliin kong kaadikan.
Parang mayro'ng isang malakas na boltahe ng koryente ang dumaloy sa katawan ko nang dahan-dahan niyang hawakan at minasahe ang likuran ng aking ulo. Patuloy parin ang pagnalik niya pa sa'kin ng madiin at malalim na para bang ayaw niya akong pakawalan. Ilang minuto pa ang lumipas habang sinusuklian ang ginagawa niya.
"H-honey..." hinihingal na bulong niya bago ako yakapin. "Let's stop... baka ano pa ang magawa ko sa'yo," pinatong niya ang baba niya sa aking balikat bago dampian ng maliit na halik ang aking leeg. "Ayaw kong pati 'yon ay maaga kong kunin sa'yo. Tsaka na kapag..." huminto ulit siya at hinalikan ang panga ko. "Kapag kasal na tayo..."