Ben wasn’t in school today and yesterday. I wasn’t on the lookout for him but it’s easy to notice when a member of the band is missing. Leah and Mira asked about him, Calum was quiet throughout our meal.
I swipe to the next picture on the Mending Heart Instaagram page. There’s a picture of Ben in their customised shirt and another of all of us in one frame. He’s smiling at the camera. Looking at the picture makes me smile and I have to remind myself I shouldn’t be smiling.
It must be all the time I’m spending indoors that’s affecting my mood. I don’t miss him. I change into a more comfortable outfit and step outside with a small backpack and a metal flask. Knocking on the door to my parents room once, I wait for them to answer.
Mum opens the door with a grin. Questions shine in her eyes as she takes in my bold choice of outfit. A long flowing kimono over a pair of shorts stopping at my mid-thighs and a tank top. My vitiligo is on display but I haven’t cared much about it since I left San Francisco. I take a swig from my water bottle because my throat goes dry under her gaze.
“I’m going for a swim.”
She pecks me. “Have fun.”
Sure. Fun is all I have these days. I am Queen Fun.
The elevator is on the left, so I turn to the right, to the staircase. Taking the stairs two at a time, I reach the last floor in no time. I haven’t had much time to explore the hotel, maybe I can change that today.
I am at the foot of the stairs when I spot the Carter’s family. Ben. Asher. Even Josef and Maddie at the reception area. My heart does a silly flip at the sight of Ben. He is the most relaxed I have ever seen him around Josef.
Josef is talking to the receptionist and his wife has a hand on his lower back. Ben is having fun annoying his younger brother. They look like a regular family on a vacation. Josef says something that makes the entire family laugh. I back up the stairs slowly but fate is not on my side. My flask crashes to the floor.
In the silence, the sound of my flask falling is louder than ever. My embarrassment grows as the flask rolls down the stairs. They pause. I pause. It’s official. I want to be buried alive. We stare at each other like deers caught in the headlights and I manage an awkward wave. This was not the plan.
Picking the flask means going close to them and going close to them means giving Ben a chance to talk to me. I don’t like my options so I choose the next best thing. I make a U-turn, all plans to swim totally forgotten as I jog up the stairs.
A familiar voice calls out to me. “Tessa.”
Instead of turning around to confront my fears, I make a dash for my room. Fuck this.
“Tessa. Stop running. I miss you.”
Damn you, Asher.
Because Asher is cute and doesn’t deserve to be punished for his brother’s sins, I stop at the curve of the stairs with my back to him. That poses no problem for Asher, he slows down in front of me and climbs one step forward so we are almost on the same height. It takes seconds for him to catch his breath but a smile remains on his lips like a plague.
My heart skips when he hugs me. I am reluctant to wrap my arms around him. What are they doing in New York?
Asher looks up to me when I don’t return his hug. He pouts. “You don’t like me again. Why?”
“Of course not,” I quickly reply. “I still like you, Champ.” Because you are not Ben. He grins and my arms go around his back. “I’ll always like you.”
Our hug is brief. My hesitance is back in full mode when he attempts to drag me down the stairs. I don’t want to meet Ben or his parents.
Last time I was with his parents, I was Ben’s girlfriend, now I am not. I don’t want any of that awkwardness but Asher doesn’t seem to get it. He pulls me down two stairs before I force him to stop.
The Carter family comes into my line of view and the hairs on my neck stand. I gulp hard when I catch the whole family trying to act like they haven’t seen me. Josef and Maddie are doing a great job of pretending to talk to the receptionist but Ben is full on staring. Our eyes meet and he is snapped out of his trance. Ben opens his mouth like he wants to say something to me, I avert my gaze and he takes that as a sign to walk to me. My heart beats faster with each step he takes forward. I need to leave.
“Gracie.” His sneakers are the first things I see, then my gaze sweeps up to his face. My flask is in his hand. I accept it with a grim smile and a thick wave of nervousness rolls over us. Sliding his hands into his pockets, he bounces on his heels. “Hi, Gracie.”
“Hi, Ben,” I reply.
Asher looks at me, then Ben. He’s grinning when he takes my hand and I ball it into a fist to avoid him linking Ben and I fingers. “Stop fighting already and make up.” What does he know? I don’t want to be with someone who considers me a second option. “I miss you. I miss Benessa. Ben and Tessa, get it?”
No. I refuse to get it. Ben spares me another long glance. His brother hugs me tight one last time and runs off, leaving us to settle our differences. Only that I don’t want to settle anything, I want to soak in the pool and forget he ever existed. Or, at least try.
Throwing one look in his parents direction, Ben says, “We will be going out to eat in a few minutes, do you want to join us?” I am about to shake my head when he adds, “My mum keeps asking about you, Gracie. Even Josef. They miss you. We all do.”
Right. “No, thanks. I’m not hungry.”
A sigh escapes him and my gaze lowers to my feet. I don’t want to get lost in his eyes. Sooner or later, he will take the hint and leave me the hell alone.
Seconds roll by but none of that happens. He is still here. The distance between us evaporates when he steps closer. My breathing grows ragged and a soft gasp leaves my lips as my back connects to the wall. I don’t want to be affected by his presence but my toes curl when he licks his lips. My hands flatten on his chest to push him away but they remain there.
“Ben, I don’t want to join you,” I say. My voice is shaky. His lips are so close to mine and his breath fans my face. “I’m not hungry, Ben. Just step back.”
He swallows. “Benny. Call me Benny.”
“Okay, Benny.” My hands fall limply to my sides and his jaw ticks. “I don’t want to join your family.”
Smiling sadly, Ben says, “Okay.” He picks the flask that must have slipped from my grasp again and offers it to me. I hold it to my chest like it will calm my racing heart. “Gracie, will you ever forgive me?”
“No.”
I think his heart breaks at my reply. His blue eyes grow sadder and he swipes his hand across his hair in resignation. I don’t know what to do when he hugs me. I just stand there while he locks his arms around my waist and tucks his head into the curve of my shoulder. The urge to comfort him is stronger than ever but I manage to resist it.
Laughter from behind slowly pulls us out of our reverie. Ben untangles himself from me but he doesn’t let go. He can’t change my mind.
“Tessa?” My head rounds up at the sound of my mother’s voice. She puts her phone away. “Shouldn’t you be swimming? Oh. Who is that?” Mum says, her voice heavily laden with mischief. She thinks a new boyfriend will help me to forget Ben. I don’t think it’s possible. On seeing Ben, her whole expression changes and she climbs down the remaining stairs in a nanosecond. “Benjamin.”
Finally taking the hint, Ben steps away from me and Mum stands by my side. The space shrinks with three of us here, all I want to do is hide. A look of disapproval flashes across her face, she slides her hand into mine and gives me the ‘are you okay?’ look like Ben is the enemy. Maybe he is. Ben greets her and she grunts in reply. She is always on my side.
Her eyes take me in and she blocks my view of Ben and takes my hands. It’s such a simple move but my heart calms.
“Weren’t you coming up to get something?” she says this with a slight jerk of her head upwards.
“Yeah,” I breathe out. She’s giving me an escape. I’ll take it. “I forgot my towel.”
“Mrs Mower,” Ben says. Mum and I share a look. I have no idea what’s going on either but I am glad I can’t see his face. “I want to apologise.” It’s too late to apologise. “I’ll do anything to prove my sincerity.”
Mum offers him a small smile and turns her back completely to me so I can’t see him. “No need for any of that, Ben. I’ll walk you downstairs.”
You see, when you hurt me, you become my parents’ enemy. Ben is now the family enemy, Hayden doesn’t want to hear his name. Mum points at the stairs so Ben can start walking but he doesn’t. He is too stubborn for his own good and it won’t help him now.
“Please, I want to talk to Gracie,” he says.
“No.”
“Please, Mrs Mower.”
His desperation rings out in the air but it only annoys Mum. I want to leave but my feet refuse to function so I’m forced to listen to them talk about me like I am not here.
“I don’t think she wants to talk to you,” Mum answers on my behalf. She folds her hands behind her, maybe for me to take it but I don’t. “You have done enough damage, Ben. Don’t you think so?”
“Yeah.” He sighs again and Mum’s back stiffens. “I’m sorry. I won’t be bothering her again after today.” My broken heart breaks again. “Can you tell her I love her?” Stupid, I am here. Tell me yourself. “And if she ever wants to talk to me, I’m here.”
“Sure will, Ben.”
A moment of hesitation lingers between them. Mum steps aside as if giving me a chance to talk to him but I don’t say a word. “Thank you, Mrs Mower.”
When his footsteps have completely faded, Mum spins with a small smile. “He loves you.”
“He hurt me.”
“You will have to forgive him eventually.” At my silence, she threads her fingers through my hair. “Your dad was going to take us out.” I notice her outfit for the first time. A black pencil gown and nude heels. She is dressed for an evening out. “But I think we should order in. What do you think?”
If we order in, the chances of bumping into Ben and his family reduces to zero. “Great.”