If you love someone, let them go. If they ever loved you, they will find their way back to you. I think that quote is stupid. I think whoever invented it is more stupid.
Why would you ever let someone you love go?
Most importantly, why am I thinking about someone I want to forget? I turn and toss on the bed. It’s not working. I can’t sleep. I throw the covers off me and sit on the edge of the bed. It’s a few minutes past 5 in the morning and my alarm is set to ring at 6.
Flipping the bedside lamp on, I turn off my alarm and dial Maria’s number. The call rings without interruption. She must have given up on me and I don’t blame her. There’s only so much a person can take. I haven’t called her since I moved here. I trace the shadow cast on the bed by the lamp. My chest constricts when her voicemail message comes up.
The silence that follows has my thoughts jumping at me. I sit up and hug my knees to my chest. To get away from the voices in my head trying to tear me down for not giving Ben a chance to talk to me, I redial Maria’s number once more and she picks.
“Theresa Grace Mower,” she deadpans.
Anger coats her voice but the only thing I want to do is laugh. Laughter trickles out of my lips and she snorts. “I miss you, Maria.” I picture her rolling her eyes when she hisses. “Don’t be mad at your bestie.”
“Whatever. Are you done being depressed?”
I slide back in bed and tug the cover over my waist. “I was never depressed. Just sulking.”
There’s a smile in her voice when she says, “Are you okay now?” I think so. Placing the phone on the pillow, I flip the switch and darkness falls over the room. It’s not as scary and lonely now with Maria to keep me company. “Heard you are in a band.”
“Who told you?”
“Who do you think?”
I raise my hands and try to count my fingers in the dark. It’s futile. “Do you two talk?”
“Sometimes. I told him the name of your school.” Go figure, bestie. “Have you spoken to him?”
“No?”
“Why not?”
Our conversation is starting to feel like an investigation. It’s not so surprising to know she told Ben the name of my school. If she can’t get to me, she can get to my mother.
“I don’t know.” She says nothing. I want her to say something in his favour. “What do you think?”
“That… It’s your life so you have to make the decision yourself.” A small ‘wow’ escapes me and she giggles. “I’m serious, Tessa. I want you to talk to him but it’s up to you. Ben was wrong but if he moved all this way for you, I think it’s worth a shot. At least hear him out, give him a second chance.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. We all deserve second chances.” I roll my lip between my teeth. He came here for me. I have to talk to him. “So, I have to go. Call me later?” After eliciting a promise from me, she says, “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
The call ends with a click, I drop my phone to my chest and try to play how my conversation with Ben will go. Every scene ends with both of us kissing. I laugh at nothing in particular. I want to kiss my Benny again. My eyes close, I'll talk to him today.
Counting backwards doesn’t help to put me to sleep. I put on a robe over shorts and singlet and head out.
The corridor is illuminated by the ceiling lights and I feel out of place being out this early. My footsteps are the only sound I have for comfort. I am not sure where I’m headed. My phone is in my room, I don’t even know his room number but I continue walking.
“Tessa?”
My head snaps up at the familiar voice and I grow self-aware. Ben’s mother. She looks as lost as I am.
Why is she on my floor?
“Yeah, it’s me.” She hugs her robe tighter to her chest after a brief hug. I doubt both of us planned this early morning walk. “I was... I wanted to...”
“See Ben?” Am I that obvious? I shrug. She laughs. Drawing close to me, she whispers in my ear, “I was coming to your room.” I dart her a look of disbelief and she laughs again. Without makeup, she is still pretty. Beauty runs in their family. “Number fifteen. The receptionist gave me your room number.”
Okay, I believe her now.
Without another word, we fall into step. We stop in front of the elevator and she inputs a number I hope is for Ben’s floor. When we are inside the elevator, she says, “Will you please talk to him? Even if you don’t get back together, just hear him out. Please.”
“Okay.”
Maddie knocks once on a door—number twelve and Asher opens up. He is not surprised to see me but I don’t get a chance to wonder why. Maddie hugs me, then ruffles her son’s hair. She leaves us two smiling at each other. Asher embraces me again after her departure but my eyes are on the lookout for the real reason I am here. I motion to the bed with a figure.
“Is that Benny?”
“Yeah. Benny is sad,” he replies in a whisper.
Because I made him sad. But he made me sad first. I plant a kiss on Asher’s forehead, he scrunches his face and pretends to be disgusted.
The curtains are still drawn but light filters in through the cracks. Asher returns to his laptop. He picks up his headphones and gives me a thumbs up.
Ben hasn’t moved. I crawl into the bed and hug him from behind. “Asher. Go away. I want to be alone.”
“It’s not Asher.”
He grows stiff in my embrace and my arms tighten around him to stop him from confirming his suspicions. I’m mad at him but I want to be with him.
“Gracie?”
“Shut up.”
Ben chuckles and stops moving. I feel him relax against me before he says, “I love you, Gracie.”
“I’m still mad at you,” I say to his back. He covers my hand with his and a current zaps through me. I try not to smile.
“But you still love me?”
My lips press to his neck. “Maybe.”
A small squeeze of my hand is all I get. We don’t talk for a while. When he twists his body so we are staring into each other’s eyes, I can only smile at him. Ben bops my nose, I flick a finger over his.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” I whisper.
Our lips move closer and he interlaces our hands to place a kiss on my knuckles. I want a real kiss. My lips part, so does his. But we don’t kiss.
“Is Calum really your boyfriend?”
“Are you jealous?”
“Yes,” he replies with utmost sincerity. “I don’t want you to date anybody except me.”
“Hmm.”
“Gracie.”
“He’s not my boyfriend.”
Ben grins. We are careful not to make a sound when he kisses me. He kisses me hard like he’s punishing me, then his kiss turns soft like he’s asking me to forgive him. His thumb brushes my jaw and my smile disappears at the gaze boring into both of us.
In unison, our heads turn to the unwelcomed cutie staring at us from the foot of the bed. Asher shakes his head. “Ew,” he says and walks away.
“Don’t mind him. He really missed you,” Ben says into my shoulder. He places another kiss on my collarbone. “I really missed you too, Gracie.”
“I missed you too, Benny. Really missed you.”
Smoothening my hair out of my face, he hugs me. “I’m sorry I put you in the position to pick,” I whisper into his chest.
Without releasing me, he says, “I’m sorry I let you be in that position.” He yawns again and I pinch his nose. “I was so scared when your neighbour told me you left.” His eyes lock on mine and a tear rolls down his cheek. “I thought I would never see you again. Don’t leave me again, Gracie. My heart cannot take it. I don’t want to not be in your life.”
It is the same way I feel about him but I am scared to say it out loud. Loving someone means giving them so much power over you. Power to hurt you even if it is not deliberate. I don’t want to be hurt again. I am not sure I can handle another heartbreak.
“Go to sleep, Benny. We will talk when you wake.”
“You promise?”
I interlock our pinky fingers together. “Promise.”
But he still puckers his lips for a kiss. I indulge him and he snuggles closer to me. My fingers weave in and out of his overgrown hair and he lets out a soft moan. His breathing falls into a steady rhythm. I have a feeling this is his best sleep in weeks.
“I love you too, Benny.”
Seconds later, I’m struggling to keep awake. My eyelids grow heavier and I give in to the sleep beckoning on me.
I wake up to the sound of a phone going off. Ben is not on the bed but his side of the bed is still warm. I blink to clear the rest of the sleep, my head is foggy but I forget about that as soon as Ben walks in with a towel hanging around his neck. He’s shirtless and still as hot as ever. My mouth waters at his smile.
“Hey,” he says, already hoisting me on his lap.
“Hey. I think your phone is ringing.”
Instead of setting me down, he carries me and my legs lock around his waist. Asher is not in the room but there’s an animation playing on his laptop. Ben lowers himself to the seat and pauses the animation. His phone stops ringing as soon as he reaches for it.
His screen lights up with missed calls notification and my hands drop to my knees. Avoiding his gaze, I fiddle with the rope of my robe. The name of the caller brought back all the memories. “It’s fine,” I hear myself say. “You can pick. I won’t be mad.”
Ben grabs my jaw gently and forces my gaze to his face. Love shines in his eyes. “No. I’ll call her later. She will be fine. Right now, it’s about me and you.”
On another day, his statement would have made me blush but the wheels in my head start spinning out of control. Why won’t he call Olivia when I’m here? Is he hiding something? I don’t think I can deal with having her in our relationship again. Are we back to dating? We never officially broke up.
“I think I should go.”
“Gracie. No.” His expression shatters my resolve to leave. I don’t want to break his heart but I won’t risk hurting myself in the process. “I’ll tell you everything, I promise. Please don’t go. Stay with me.”
“If she hadn’t called, I would still be on my way.” He scoffs. “My parents don’t know I’m here, Ben.”
“Benny,” he corrects.
“Benny.” Sighing, he hides his face in my shoulder. “I’ll come back or you can come to my room.”
“I don’t think your mum would like that,” he says. He tilts his head back. “I don’t think she likes me again.”
If Mum doesn’t like him, Daddy loathes him. I run my fingers through his wet hair. “Because you hurt her baby,” I tell him. “She has not forgiven that.”
“I’ll make it up to you, I swear.”
Shoulders hunched, I say, “Okay. But I really have to go now.” I hop off his lap before he convinces me to stay back. “I’ll be back.”
“Wait.” He hurries to the wardrobe and returns to me with the charm bracelet. Our memories bracelet. My pulse quickens, we share a glance. I nod and stretch my hand for him to fasten it. I raise my arm to his face and the charms jiggle. He kisses me again. “Now you can go. Don’t forget your promise.”
I stop at the door. “Yes, Benny. I’ll be back.”