BEN

I feel alone. I feel betrayed.

Gracie doesn’t like me again. How do you go from kissing one guy to being the girlfriend of another in minutes? That boy was drunk, maybe tipsy but he shouldn’t have been allowed near a steering wheel yet she jumped on the opportunity to be with him.

Thinking of it has made me sick. I don’t want to go to that school or be forced to watch them chew each other’s lips. Does she also giggle after they kiss?

The sound of the door opening rips through the silence and I bury my face into the pillow. Jonah jumps into my bed and I groan. I thought he left for work already. He’s interning at some place. There is a two years gap between both of us but he acts like a kid sometimes. I slap his hand off me but he only hugs me tighter. This is just weird.

I can’t even get a break on my second day of exile.

Thankfully, today is Friday. Two more days and I’ll be able to face her. If she doesn’t agree to talk to me, then I’ll stop trying. I don’t know the point of the talk when she’s already with someone else.

“Jonah, get off me.”

“I’m not Jonah.”

I yank the cover off my head without rolling to face the intruder. Jonah has a younger brother, Tom. I’m not sure he likes me because he never says a word when I’m around. If this is him, then I can endure it.

“Thomas?”

“I’m not Thomas either.” The figure hiding his face under my duvet jumps up. “Tada!”

“Champ?” Is he real? I touch his legs. They are real. I pinch myself. Yeah. This is not a dream. “You are here. You are real.” Asher launches himself into my arms. I squeeze him in a hug that leaves both of us breathless. I have missed him. I will always miss him but I came to peace with that when I decided to move here for Gracie. “Champ.” I hug him again and he grins. My brother. “How did you get here?”

The melancholy in the air shifts to something happier. Asher waits for me to change into something better and slides his hand into mine.

“Mummy and Josef brought me.” I do a double take. “They are downstairs. I’m on a two days break and we decided to visit.” His eyes water and I crouch to his level to pull him for another hug. “I have missed you, Benny. Are you coming home?”

No. I don’t know. Whatever happens with Gracie, I have to finish the rest of high school here.

“I missed you too,” I whisper and rise to my feet.

He pouts. I tousle his hair and he steps on my foot. I missed even this mischievous part of him.

“Have you seen Tessa? I miss her too.”

We all miss her. We start for downstairs and Asher takes my hand. “She has a new boyfriend,” I tell him. He stops at the foot of the stairs to inspect my face. She called him boyfriend, she has to be dating him. Good for her, bad for me. Asher offers me a sad smile but I don’t need his pity. People fall out of love all the time. “He is in some of my classes.”

“Do you still like her?” He purses his lips in deep thoughts. It’s almost laughable. I am discussing my relationship with my baby brother. “Then tell her to break up with him.”

If only it were that easy. Asher tugs me towards the kitchen. Jonah’s parents have a kitchen as big as the living room or even bigger. Might be because his father is a retired chef. The kitchen is big enough to entertain a whole family.

Nobody notices us. I place a finger over my lips to signify Asher to be quiet. Bart, Jonah’s dad is stirring something white and bubbly in the frying pan, it has everyone entranced. I clear my throat.

All heads turn. I don’t wait for Mum to recover from the shock of seeing me before I rush into her arms for a hug. She’s crying by the time we break from the hug.

“Benny.” Oh, she calls me Benny now. I like it. Mum hugs me again, she is tearing up badly and I do my best to wipe the tears. Josef comes over with a handkerchief, she accepts it and sniffs into it. He gives me a side hug, then excuses himself. We are cool now but it will take a while for us to be cooler. Mum grins. She is happy. “We missed you, Benny.”

“I missed you too.”

Mum leads me away from the kitchen, so the men—mostly Bart—can finish cooking. Josef can’t cook much. Asher will keep them company. We settle down in the parlour. The television is turned on to a cooking show. I grab the remote and switch off the TV. I don’t want any distractions when talking to her.

Crossing her legs, she flicks a strand of hair from my face. “Why didn’t you tell us, Benny?”

“Tell you what?”

A sigh escapes her. I honestly don’t know what she is on about. Her shoulders sag, she grips my hands.

“That you got into NYU.”

“What?” I applied to NYU mostly because I was sure I wouldn’t get it. Miss Jota wrote me another recommendation letter. Even the principal. My application was late, all my friends at Broadway Heights who applied have gotten acceptance emails and I didn’t. I didn’t let it bother me since I already got into SAS. “Mum, I didn’t get into NYU.”

It pains me to be the one to tell her this since she was rooting for me but it is what it is. Mum laughs.

“You got in, Benny,” she replies with so much confidence. “Hold on a second, I will be right back.”

My eyes follow her as she rushes out of the parlour to get her phone from Josef. I didn’t get into NYU. I didn’t get an email. If I did, I would have known.

Heart racing, I dash upstairs to get my phone. Mum is waiting for me when I return. Her inbox folder is open. There’s a mail from NYU to a Benjamin Louis Carter. I rub my eyes and read again. Though the email is a forwarded one from me, the content is the same. It’s a broadcast email to her and Josef. I don’t remember reading or seeing this before now.

“You didn’t know?” If I did, she would have been the first one to know. We have grown that close since I spoke to Josef. “Asher showed us from his laptop.” Because I am a stubborn kid who refused to accept a gift from his stepfather, I was forced to make my applications on Asher’s laptop. “He found it in your bin.” I can’t be blamed for mass trashing shitty emails but this one was a mistake. In a lighter voice, she adds, “How could you have missed this, Benny?”

The news feels so surreal and a part of me keeps expecting her to laugh and call this a prank. I return her phone to her with a shy smile. “I don’t know?”

“First things first, you have to accept the admission immediately.” She giggles. “You got into NYU, Benny.” Her voice is coated with pride, which makes my chest puff. I did it. “Is your laptop here?” It is in my room. “If you don’t send them a reply today, they will give the spot to someone else.”

I read the email till the end. They sent it the day I left for New York. What an irony. If I don’t send them a reply today, they will assume I have forfeited my spot. Na. I am not doing that. I’m going to NYU with Gracie. Did she get in? I will have to ask her.

Mum is right beside me through every step of the way. I login to the portal, fill in the right details.

“No more SAS, I guess,” Mum says. She is happy too. I’m going wherever Gracie is going. Mum must have read my thoughts, she laughs. I am going to fight for Gracie. “How are you finding New York?”

What she means is: How are things with you and Gracie? I take her hand. I like to hold her when we discuss, her touch is calming. “It’s not bad.”

She catches on quickly. “Is it that bad?”

“Yeah. She has a boyfriend,” I say with a slight shrug like it doesn’t bother me. It bothers me a hell lot. “But I like it here.” She nods but her face says something else. “I’m part of a music band. I handle their social media pages.” I take out my phone to show her the official Instaagram page of Mending hearts. The video is their last post. “I took this.”

It’s the edited video from their first concert. Mum watches the clips and some other videos of them singing in the basement. Hall. Living room.

“They are pretty good,” she says.

“Yes.” I frown at the picture of a grinning Calum. I don’t like him. “That’s Gracie’s new boyfriend.”

“Did you two get a chance to talk?” I want her to say something about him. I want her to lend me her support the same way she did when I mentioned coming here to find Gracie. Josef thought it childish, she didn’t. “You should talk to her.”

“What’s the point? She has already moved on.”

“Maybe. Talk to her. She loved you very much.” I know that but she shouldn’t say it in past tense. Me and Gracie are not done. She can’t be done with me, right? We promised each other always and forever. “I don’t think it’s anything serious with him.”

I scowl. “How do you know?”

“A woman’s instinct, I guess.” We recline on the couch and I lean on the armrest. I hope she’s right. I don’t know how I’ll get through the rest of the school year if that’s not the case. “Cheer up. You got into NYU.”

Yeah, I did. It brings a tiny smile to my lips. Amid the chaos, there’s an order, a small light in the tunnel.

“Where are you staying?”

“We are staying at a hotel.” Her forehead wrinkles. “I can’t remember the name anymore but Josef booked it. We will be there all weekend. Want to come? You can share a room with Asher. He misses you a lot.”

“I miss him too.”

Josef, Asher and Bart step into the parlour before she replies. Asher saunters to us. “Food is ready.”

I missed breakfast. I needed to make my sickness believable. Jonah’s mum prepared a weird soup for me last night. It’s supposed to be medicinal but it’s bitter as fuck. So I chose staying inside over that.

Asher opens the bowl before we can say the prayers before meal and Josef fixes him a stern. He lowers the lid and offers him a contrite smile. “Sorry.”

Josef winks and Asher grins. Their interaction causes a fluttering in my chest. Asher is lucky. He got a chance with two great fathers. Daddy was a good father, I think Josef is too. He might have a horrible daughter but he’s not to be blamed for her.

“Benny, do you want to lead the prayers?” Jonah’s dad asks. I nod. “Go ahead then.”

We join our hands together to say the grace and I take the prayer. When everyone starts on their meal, I ask God to make Gracie forgive me. I miss her.

BEN