Stupid. Why did I let myself get carried away by a kiss? I touch my lips again. I have been doing that since I ran away from Ben. I am mad at him but I want to kiss him. It’s crazy.
“Why do you keep smiling like that?” Leah asks. She throws an arm around me and drags me away from the entrance of the dressing room.
The other members of the band are inside discussing their performance. Ben is also there. Maybe he needs as much space as I need from him.
Back to what Leah asked me, why am I smiling? I know it’s stupid but I’m smiling because of the kiss.
I really, really liked it. I’ve missed him. I’ve missed kissing him. I’ve missed being held by him.
“Leah?” She stops. We are outside the pub. There’s a blue light hanging from the signboard bearing the club’s name and it shines on her forehead. I laugh because she looks funny with the light and her hands akimbo. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“How did you and Mira meet?”
Her face loses colour. “Errr... In school.” She clears her throat. “Ask me another thing.”
“Okay.” I draw a circle on the floor with my foot. I initially wanted to ask her about Ben but I don’t know how to word my question. “Okay. What if a boy breaks your heart and he comes back to ask for forgiveness, will you forgive him?” Her brows nearly hit her hairline. “Okay, what if a girl breaks your...”
She waves me off with a laugh. “It’s not about the gender. The boy in your question is a boy you know, right?” I hate how direct she is. But I nod. “I’m just shocked you’re talking about a boy. You act tough.”
“Oh.” I tug on the hem of my customised shirt, she is also wearing hers. I am not tough. I am scared of getting my heart broken again. I pack my hair into a bun to buy myself some time. “Why do you think so?”
“You don’t seem like the type to like anyone, especially a boy.” My brows knit in confusion, then worry. I don’t think it’s an insult but it’s not a compliment either. “Don’t get me wrong,” she says and slides her hand into the crook of my elbow. “Calum likes you. He is so into you. Everybody but you can see that. You’re so oblivious, Tessa.”
Oh. Now that makes sense. We walk a few feet away from the entrance and stop at the corner without turning.
“I know Calum likes me.”
She folds her arms on her stomach, disbelief evident on her face. I get that I haven’t been social. I have kept away from boys because I don’t need any boy drama in my life but I can like boys too. I like Ben.
Wait, no, that’s not right. I don’t like him again. He’s wrong. Leah taps me and I force a small smile to my lips.
“I know he likes me and I told him not to like me.” I slide my hands under my shirt to seek warmth. Things can never work out between us and it will ruin our friendship and the dynamics of the group if he keeps on trying to woo me. “I don’t know why he did what he did tonight. It was so stupid.”
“Hey, it was cute.” She comes beside me, we lean on the wall and sigh in unison. “Why don’t you like him?”
“I like someone else.” Oh, not again. I didn’t mean to say that but it’s too late to take back my words. Leah isn’t judgy, none of the members of the group are, so I tell the truth. “I’m not over him. It’s hard.”
“The boy who broke your heart?”
That’s a good way to describe Ben. “Yeah.”
“But you still like him,” she says, like it’s the solution to my problem. I shrug. Love is stupid. Feelings are even more stupid. Love makes you feel what you don’t want to feel, when you don’t want to feel it. Leah’s gaze softens a bit. “Why can’t you forgive him?”
Why? I don’t really know. Sure, I love him. It shouldn’t be this hard to forgive the person I love. Then again, it’s very hard. First, he bullies me and apologises after. Then, he picks another girl over me and apologises. What will he do next?
“Because I don’t know for sure that he will not break my heart again,” I reply sincerely.
Leah hugs me. I don’t know why but she wraps her arms around me and I start to cry. I don’t think I’m over him. I don’t think I can ever be over him.
It feels good to be in her arms. Last time anyone of my age hugged me was last year. Maria. I miss my best friend.
“It’s okay,” she says when she pulls away. “If you can’t forgive him, I guess it’s a sign you two are not meant to be together.” I think so too. I hug her again for a few seconds. “You should give Calum a chance. You never know.”
“You never know what?” a voice says and we jump. Calum wiggles his brows. Stalking towards me, he pulls me against his chest and hugs me tight. “What were you two talking about? Tell me, baby girl.”
Another person clears their throat behind us. Ben. His lips twitch but the smile never forms. I slide my arm around Calum’s waist and his face lights up in a smile. He’s cute.
Mira and Leah are off in the corner, arguing, I think until they kiss. Geez. They kiss too much. Lucas and Sam join us. They ramble on about going somewhere to hang out but I am not listening.
“I’ll have to consult with my girlfriend first,” Calum says with his eyes on me. I blush.
“Who’s your girlfriend?” I whisper.
“You.”
Curving my hand around his ear, I ask, “Are you drunk?” He reeks of alcohol.
“Only a little, girlfriend.” My gaze hardens and he seems to sober up. “Be my girlfriend.” He leans towards me to whisper into my ear, “Only for tonight. Say yes to me, Tessa.”
“Fine.” We can do it for tonight. “Okay, boyfriend.”
Besides, I need a break from Ben. How do I know I can move on from him if I don’t give anyone a chance? Calum pecks me loudly on the cheek and his friends groan. Leah and Mira are back. Leah sees our connected hands and winks. Ben is the only one glaring.
A glance at my wristwatch and panic sets in. Mum will be coming to get me soon. “Guys, I...”
“We’re gonna bounce,” Mira finishes before I can complete my statement. “Thanks for tonight.” She drags Leah the opposite way without waiting for our response. Leah’s giggles ring out even after she’s gone. She stops before they turn a corner and wave at us. Mira also turns. “Love you guys. Bye.”
“I think we will bounce too,” Calum tells the guys.
Lucas and Sam groan in unison. They look so alike with their blonde curls falling over their foreheads. They are hot and totally datable. In Maria’s words, totally smashable.
“You guys are no fun,” Lucas says.
“You can hang out with Benny boy here.”
Calum turns to Ben with his arm hanging from my shoulder. Ben’s jaw ticks. He fists his hands but the smile remains on his lips like an identity. I choose to focus on the eatery behind him. It reminds me of the one his family had dinner with Olivia’s family.
If Ben and I were still cool, I might have asked how it went down with her. Mum spoke to Mrs Beckham once because of what I told her. The last time we talked about Olivia, she sounded convinced Mrs Beckham will do the right thing for her daughter. I hope to God she does. Olivia is awful but not enough to be sexually harassed.
“Na. I’m good.” I feel his gaze on me but I don’t look to confirm. “I’ll be going. See you all later.”
Lucas and Sam also make their escape, leaving me alone with Calum. “What is the plan?”
“Well,” he answers. “I have no plans.” His sincerity always amuses me and it does so this time. I punch him lightly on his stomach but he doubles over. “Ouch, Tessa. You broke my ribs.”
I laugh. “Don’t be so dramatic, Calum.”
“But it really hurts. Ow.” He’s still bent over. He puckers his lips and closes his eyes. “I need a kiss for the bruises to go away.” I roll my eyes and plant a kiss on his cheek. He straightens up almost immediately with a grin. “Now I feel much better. But next time, it has to be on my lips.”
Will there be a next time?
“My curfew starts at 11,” I tell him when he nudges me in the opposite direction. My new curfew here is 9 pm. Until we move into our house which should be happening this month, I am not allowed outside the hotel by past 9. I’m getting off easy only for today. I slip my phone out of my purse. There’s a text from Mum. “My mum will be here soon.”
“Mummy’s girl,” he says. Yeah, I am proud to be a mummy’s and daddy’s girl. “Tell her not to worry, I’ll drop you off.” I stop, forcing him to also stop. This thing we are doing feels like it is real for him. It is only for tonight. “That’s if you don’t mind.”
“Okay.” We continue to Calum’s car, a red Mustang. Being the gentleman he is, he opens the door for me. “I just sent my mum a text. You can drop me.”
“Cool.”
Calum doesn’t start the car after getting the directions to our hotel, so we sit in a comfortably awkward silence. Twisting his body so he’s facing me, he runs his fingers over his jaw. I am not sure I like being the centre of his attention. It’s a bit overwhelming. “Why are you staying at a hotel?”
“Our house isn’t ready yet,” I answer. I can’t get over this feeling that he has something else to say. Something I might not like. I shouldn’t have agreed to this boyfriend-girlfriend thing, even for tonight. “Can we go now? We can talk in the hotel’s lobby.”
He doesn’t start the car. He drags my hands to his lap and my body jerks forward. I know he’s going to kiss me just before his head dips and I turn right in time for his lips to meet my cheek. Ben is the only one who should have access to my lips. He’s my first and only kiss. I am happy to keep it that way.
Calum scoffs. He lets go of my arms and I hug myself. I should feel bad but I’ll feel worse if I let him believe this illusion. It’s just for tonight.
“You kissed him,” he says, tone heavy with sadness and accusation. I know who he is talking about.
“Yeah.”
“Is he the guy?” I look up. I don’t want to talk about this with him. Calum’s eyes are red, maybe from the alcohol and it makes me wonder if he drank because he found out we kissed. “Benjamin Carter. Benny. The one who stopped being the right person?”
“What?” I look away from him but he calls my attention back to him. If this is what this boy wants to talk about, then I’m fine waiting for Mum to come and get me. “What are you talking about?
“Your lipstick is smeared and Benny boy had some of it on his lips.” There’s too much stress on Benny boy. His tone is so vindictive and it grips me with guilt. I shouldn’t feel guilty because I warned him from the start. “Was it before or after my song?”
A gush of cold air rushes into the air when I open the door. “I am leaving.”
“Tessa, wait.” I close my eyes. “I am sorry. I think I am in love with you.” How can you fall in love with someone in such a short time? I shut the door and press my knees together. “I really like you, Tessa.”
“I told you not to like me,” I snap.
Suffocation claws at my throat. I am torn between staying here to have this conversation with him or running away. Both options make me uncomfortable.
“The heart wants what it wants and it wants you.”
Guilt stabs my chest. I want to reach out to him for a hug but I don’t think it will be enough. He sang for me and the next thing I did was kiss another guy.
“Calum…”
“That day in class when we talked about love and finding the right person, yeah?” I remember it clearly and I don’t need a reminder. “You said you were not over him.” My pulse quickens. I hide my hands between my legs. This conversation won’t end well for both of us. “Is Ben him?” I dart a desperate gaze at him, hoping he will drop this topic. It’s silly. “The boy who stopped being the right person?”
Since he already knows the answer to that question, why is he asking? I rotate my shoulder. “Yeah.”
“Do you still like him?”
Like is not enough of a word to quantify it. Unlike him, I don’t need to think about my feelings when it comes to Ben. I know it. I feel it in every part of me because I love him without a doubt. I love him even when I want to hate him. There is no Gracie without Benny.
I am looking outside the window when I say, “Just take me to the hotel, Calum. I’m tired.”