Over the week, the weather worsens, so does my mood. Christmas and New year passes without El. The blizzard caused some road damages, travelling was put on hold. Maybe it’s a sign. Every time El and I plan to get back together, the universe responds with something beyond our control. It has to be a sign.
We are not meant for each other.
I shove a handful of popcorn into my mouth as Wyn flips the channel. I am not sure what is on but I have been sentenced to watching cartoons with them. The current cartoon has a pink panther as the main lead.
Bren dips her hand into my bowl of popcorn, ignoring the untouched bowl between her and her sister. I don’t know why they do that. Make me get popcorn for all three of us and eat only from mine.
The panther darts across the screen, I prop my legs on the coffee table and push the bowl to Bren’s laps. The light from the television illuminates her face and I catch the scowl directed at me as she pushes it back to me. Wyn is the more outgoing one but Bren has become more aggressive from staying indoors.
I pick my phone on the armrest to check the time. Brianna is asleep but I have to check on her soon.
“When will Mummy call?” Wyn asks.
Never? I rub my eyes and yawn. “Very soon.” She told me to call her before the movie started. I don’t want to. I don’t want to hear her voice, see her smile and pretend everything is fine. “After the movie.”
Bren scoots out of the couch, Wyn turns off the television and a switch goes off. Lights flood the room, Bren shrugs from her position by the switch. At my frown, she sticks her tongue out and my anger fades.
“We are done with the movie. Will she call now?”
They miss their mum. I shouldn’t make them suffer for her sins. But she should have gotten rid of that video the moment we got back together. Of all the things she could be careless with, she chose that.
“Come.” I pat the spot beside me. Wyn jumps to my laps and Bren takes her place between me and the couch. She crosses her legs, chin jutting out in rebellion like she has an idea what I am about to say. She makes it hard to stay upset. “Daddy loves you.” Her face softens, she nods. Wyn nods too. I offer her my hand and she covers it with her small one. My lips crack in a smile. I love them. Wyn pries my hand locked around her waist to lace our fingers and my smile widens. “Are you ready to speak to Mummy?”
Their heads bob in unison and I pucker my lips for a kiss. After they indulge me with a kiss, I reach for my phone while they gawk at my screen to be sure I’m calling El. The best option for the call is the laptop upstairs. It has a wider screen but I remain put on the couch. Bren drags the bean bag that somehow found its way to the parlour between my legs and props her elbows on my knees. They watch me hit the call button.
El picks immediately like she has been waiting on the call. I almost feel bad until I remember the video.
Vincent has it because of her.
“Mummy,” the girls chorus.
One of them snatches the phone from me and runs to the window, parting the curtain open for reasons known to them alone. I release my breath. I don’t have to pretend to be nice to El if they are not here.
Sprawled on the couch with half my body on the coffee table, my eyes wander to them at intervals. As the call progresses, their giggles grow more annoying. They haven’t laughed that much around me since we were forced into this lockdown and I’m better at telling jokes. What is she saying that’s so funny?
The twins turn to me in perfect synchrony. I sit up. They might have stopped wearing the same clothes but their actions are still coordinated and scary. Bren purses her lips. She’s the one holding the phone and Wyn’s head is tucked on her shoulder. I don’t know what El is telling them but it has to do with me.
“Yes,” Bren answers. “Daddy is here.”
They start towards me. No, I don’t want to speak to her. Wyn’s grin doesn’t ease my reluctance. I create space for them on the sofa, Wyn occupies it and Bren moves to the bean bag. She hands over the phone to me, I swallow the giant lump sitting comfortably in my throat as they wait for me to say something.
“Go check on your sister.” Wyn shoots to her feet and drags Bren. “I’ll join you.” When their footsteps fade, I bring the phone within my line of view and my heart clenches at the sight of my pretty wife. “Hi.”
Her smile vanishes, she threads her fingers through her hair spilling over her shoulders and says, “Hey.” That awkward pause ensues, I make no effort to talk and she clears her throat. “How are the girls?” I arch a brow, she just spoke to them. She drags the tiny strap of her gown over her shoulder, my groin reacts to the movement with a little twitch. Another second passes. “I mean, Brianna. How is she?”
I lower the phone to my laps. “Fine.” She is more than fine. We practised walking. It’s going frustratingly well. There are as many good days as there are bad days. I point to my screen. “How’s it over there?”
“Fine too.” She ducks her head and her hair falls over her face. “I miss you,” she whispers. I grunt in reply, she looks up with eyes gleaming with tears. “Brandon...” My heart crashes against my ribcage, I scowl and she sniffs. I don’t want to be affected by the sound of my name leaving her lips. El smiles sadly. “Err... The um... The roads are still blocked but we hear they might open up this week or next.”
Guilt flits through me when El attempts a smile and fails. As the monster I am, I make her nervous. The last few weeks have been hell with me waiting on Vincent to make a move. I am constantly on edge so my coldness is nothing compared to what I have been through. The only positive about everything is the girls’ new timetable, their classes were moved online so I never have to worry about their safety.
For now, I don’t have to worry about El’s or her family until she gets into town.
“Good,” I tell her as I adjust my legs which are numb from staying in the same position for too long. “Good for you.”
A sound between a cry and a sigh escapes her. She blinks those sad eyes at me. Oh, man. “I’m sorry.”
I raise the phone to my eye level. This is not us but I am tired of trying to put us together. “For what?”
“The video.” She bites her lips. It has been too long since we kissed. “I should have deleted it.”
Right as soon as she was done viewing it. Or better still, she should have avoided Vincent because he is an old rival who hurt me a lot in the past. But why should she listen to a brother killer anyway? She has a better man, T, for a partner and friend. Why should my foolish opinion matter now?
“Don’t be silly,” I say. My hand bumps the forgotten bowl of popcorn, I throw a kernel into my mouth. I eat too much these days. Is that what sad people do? I hate being sad and unsure. “It is not your fault.”
“You keep saying that.”
Because I am expected to say something. I drop the bowl on the floor. “What do you want me to say?” She opens and closes her mouth, mine pulls into a tight line. We will never get past this stage. I am tired of trying. I am a mess with and without therapy. Everything hurts to the point I can’t feel it anymore. Mother or Joshua can’t make me feel better. I want to be left alone. “Would you rather I blamed you?”
“Yes.”
Meeting her gaze, I smile and she shrinks into herself. “Okay, El. It’s your fault.”
“Brandon.”
The sad note in her voice irritates me. She doesn’t get to play the victim. El pulls out one of the earbuds, I allow a few seconds pass to calm myself but the anger pulsing through my veins only intensifies.
My palm presses against my forehead. “I don’t have time for this, El. I am tired.” I look to the stairs. The house is quiet. The girls have gotten better at keeping quiet. “Do you want to speak with the girls?”
“Brandon,” she breathes out at the dismissal in my voice. The tears shine in her eyes and a drop leaks to her cheek. Because I am an asshole, I don’t let the sight of my crying wife bother me. “Baby. I’m sorry.”
“Stop.” El swipes her hand across her wet cheek. “Stop it, okay?” Her head jerks in a nod, I wait till she is composed. I don’t want my girls to walk in here and think otherwise. All of a sudden, I am her baby. Now, she misses me. Why did it have to take a stupid incident like that video for her to show she cares? It doesn’t matter anymore, I tucked my heart somewhere far from her reach. “You should have deleted it.”
“I know.” My cold gaze penetrates her and her expression crumbles. “You are not being fair to me.” All those years she turned me down, now she wants to talk about fairness. “If you hadn’t sent it to me...”
“As I said, it’s my fault. You are the innocent one, El and I am the bad guy. I accept it.” Her shocked gasp drills a hole into my heart. A sad look slips into her eyes, she nods without a word. “Have a great day, El.”