Nakayuko lang ako habang katabi si Ian. Hindi ko alam kung paano niya nalaman ang tungkol sa amin ni Jahann. Hindi ko alam kung paano niyang nalaman na si Jahann ang ama ni Nikolai.
I heard him heave a sigh. He reached my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Hindi ako makatingin sa kanya dahil hindi ko alam kung kaya ko bang harapin ang mga mata niya.
I know what I did was wrong. Alam ko na noon pa naman talaga dapat ay hindi na ako pumayag na magpanggap siyang tatay ni Nikolai. Hindi na sana sita nahihirapan…
“Hey, I am not mad at you…” he said softly. He moved closer and kissed my head. I bit my lip harder.
“H… how did you know…?” lakas-loob kong tanong sa kanya bago ako nag-angat ng tingin sa kanya. I saw him looking at me.
He cupped my face and wiped my tears. “It’s a wild guess, sunshine…” he said. “You’re different around Jahann. He’s different when you’re around, too…” he smiled sadly. “Even before, I know he’s so protective of you… but observing him whenever you’re together, he can’t take his eyes off of you…”
Hindi ko alam na ganoon ang nakikita ni Ian sa amin. Wala naman ni isa sa mga kasama namin ang nagsasabi ng ganoon. Minsan ay inaasar ni Keij si Jahann na ako ang favorite nito pero maliban doon ay wala naman na akong ibang naririnig sa kanila.
Ang naisip ko, they’re used to it. Sanay na silang ganoon talaga si Jahann sa akin.
“Seeing him with Nikolai, I can clearly see where I stand in your life…” he caressed my face and kissed my forehead. “I know you love him… and I don’t know why…”
I bowed my head and closed my eyes. Kahit naman ako ay hindi ko alam bakit sa dami ng tao sa mundo, kay Jahann pa ako nagkagusto. Bakit si Jahann pa ang minahal ko? Kahit saan tignan, hindi tama.
Kahit saan tignan, halatang walang patutunguhan…
“I came here because I really want to talk to you… I thought, maybe if I’ll see you again, maybe if I see that my thoughts were wrong, then I will just keep on waiting for you, but…” he shook his head and smiled sadly.
“Ian…” I squeezed his hand. Hindi ko mapigilan ang pagtulo ng luha ko habang hawak ang kamay niya. “I’m sorry…” I don’t know if there’s a word that I can use to tell him how sorry I was.
“Why are you sorry? Hindi mo ako pinilit. Ako ‘yung umako, hindi mo naman ako pinilit na gawin iyon…” he still managed to smile despite the fact that his eyes were clouding with tears. “I didn’t regret doing it, because I really love you. You and Nikolai…”
“Shh… stop crying…” he pulled me closer and hugged me tight. He was hugging me tight like it’ll be the last time he’ll be able to hug me.
Hindi ko alam pero pakiramdam ko sa yakap na iyon ay pamamaalam.
He’s been so good to me, to Nikolai… hindi ko maitatanggi iyon dahil noong panahon na kailangan ko ng kausap, hindi nagdadalawang-isip si Ian na samahan ako.
“I’m so sorry…” ani kong muli habang umiiyak. Wala akong ibang masabi sa kanya kundi sorry dahil alam kong kasalanan ko naman talaga ang nangyari.
He chuckled and kissed my head again. “Don’t be…” he cupped my face and he tried to smile at me. “I am still Nikolai’s Daddy Ian, okay? Don’t take that away from me.”
Hinawakan niya ang magkabilang pisngi ko at muling pinalis ang mga luha ko. “Don’t cry, sunshine…”
“It’s just… I know hindi ako naging mabait sa’yo… I used you… and…” I bit my lower lip to stop myself from sobbing.
“You didn’t, okay? Ginusto ko ‘yun. Don’t blame yourself.”
Muli siyang sumandal at tumingin sa malayo. “You’re in love with Jahann and I know he feels the same for you. Hindi ko man naiintindihan kung bakit, I won’t judge you. You know that I want you to be happy, right?” He looked at me and smiled a little.
“If you’re worried if I told what I know to anyone else, I didn’t. It’s not my story to tell,” ani Ian sa akin habang hawak pa rin ang kamay ko. I am thankful to have Ian around.
Alam ko na mahirap para sa kanya ang sitwasyon namin pero kahit kailan ay hindi ako nakarinig ng reklamo sa kanya. Hindi niya ako iniwan.
Hindi niya kami pinabayaan ni Nikolai.
“I’ll fly to Canada next week,” maya-maya ay sabi ni Ian sa akin. Kumunot ang noo ko sa kanya nang sabihin niya iyon. Aalis siya?
“Kampante ako na hindi ka pababayaan ni Jahann.” He heaved a sigh and looked at me. “I know things are not easy, but you can always call me, sunshine…”
“Ian…”
Ngumiti ito ng tipid bago binitiwan ang kamay ko at tumayo. “Just make sure you’ll be happy, okay? I don’t want anything else aside from seeing you happy…”
I looked at him. Tumayo na rin ako at niyakap siya ng mahigpit.
“I don’t know how to thank you for everything you did for me and for Nikolai…” mahinang sabi ko. I am beyond thankful to him.
He hugged me back and kissed my head again. “Just be happy…”
I nodded a little.
“I love you…”
“Thank you…” I whispered before letting him go. Ngumiti siya sa akin bago naglakad papunta sa sasakyan niya at sumakay roon. I watched him hop inside and drive away from our house.
I stayed outside and hugged myself. Huminga na lang ako ng malalim bago tumingala at tinignan ang langit.
“Are you okay?”
Napalingon ako nang magsalita si Jahann mula sa likod ko. I saw him leaning on the post while looking at me.
“He left already?” he asked before walking towards me. “Why are you standing? You know your foot is still not okay.” Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko at iginiya ako paupo sa bench na naroon.
“He knows…” mahinang sabi ko kay Jahann. Kumunot ang noo niya sa akin. Tila nagtatanong kung ano ba ang sinasabi ko.
“Ian… he… he knows about us…”
“What?” mas kumunot ang noo ni Jahann habang nakatingin sa akin.
“He knows about us…”
Naramdaman ko ang paghawak ni Jahann sa kamay ko. Pinisil niya iyon na para bang sinasabi sa akin na nandoon lang siya at hindi niya ako pababayaan.
I could feel the warmth of his palm.
“Creep…”
Huminga ako ng malalim at tinignan si Jahann. “I just feel bad because… I dragged him into this mess…” I bit my lip. “And… I am scared…”
Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit. Ibinaon ko naman ang mukha sa dibdib ni Jahann habang nararamdaman ko ang higpit ng yakap niya.
“I am scared that they will know about us…” ani ko sa kanya habang umiiyak. Hindi naman siya nagsasalita, hindi niya ako pinakakawalan mula sa higpit ng yakap niya.
“Natatakot ako na… na mawala ka ulit…” Hinawakan ko ng mahigpit ang damit ni Jahann habang nakayakap ako sa kanya.
I don’t want to lose him again. I don’t want him to leave again.
“That will never happen. You won’t lose me, baby…” he whispered while hugging me tight. “I won’t leave you again. I promise…”
I sniffed while hugging him tight.
Alam ko na hindi ko sinasabi sa kanya kung ano ba ang nararamdaman ko. Simula naman noon, si Jahann ang may lakas ng loob ipakita ang nararamdaman niya. Siya ang lumalaban para sa aming dalawa.
“When I told you I’ll win you back, I meant every word…” he softly said. He hugged me tight and kissed my head.
“I love you, Cherinna.”
I moved away a little and looked at his face. I raised my hand and caressed his cheek.
I love you, too…
We stayed there for a while before Jahann asked me to go inside. Nasa kwarto ko na si Nikolai nang pumasok ako. Jahann insisted on staying in my room to watch Nikolai sleep.
Inayos ko naman na muna ang gamit ko bago ko kinuha ko ang towel ko at damit na pantulog.
“I’ll just wash up,” paalam ko kay Jahann. Tumango naman ito habang nakaupo sa may gilid ng crib ni Nikolai. He’s holding his hand while caressing it.
Pumasok na lang na ako sa banyo at naglinis ng katawan. Nilinisan ko na rin ang sugat ko sa binti dahil lalagyan ko pa iyon ng ointment mamaya.
Nang matapos akong magbihis ay lumabas na rin ako habang pinapatuyo ang buhok ko gamit ang tuwalya na dala ko. Nakita ko na nasa couch na nasa gilid nakaupo si Jahann at nagbabasa ng libro.
“Why are you there?” I asked before walking towards him. Sumandal ako sa gilid habang tinutuyo ang buhok ko. Nilingon ko si Nikolai na napaka-himbing na ng tulog.
“Aren’t you sleepy?” I asked him again. He just looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. I rolled my eyes and walked towards my vanity mirror but before I could make my second step, he pulled me and made me sit on his lap.
Nalaglag ang librong hawak nito nang mapaupo ako sa kanya. Iniyakap niya ang kamay sa bewang ko at tumingin sa akin.
“Jahann!” pinanlakihan ko siya ng mga mata. Mas hinigpitan niya ang yakap sa akin. Napatingin naman ako sa pinto ng kwarto ko.
“I locked the door,” he said, as if he’s reading my mind. He leaned his forehead on my shoulder.
I smiled a little. I moved my hands so I could hug him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked at him.
“Are you tired?” I asked him. I run my fingers on his hair. His hair is so soft. I played with his hair while looking at him.
“No. I just wanna hug you,” he said while looking at me. I saw him look at my lips.
I could feel my cheeks heating up. “You are hugging me…” I replied.
I saw him smile.
I miss those smiles. Mas gwapo si Jahann kapag ganoong nakangiti siya pero hindi ko naman din ipagpapalit ang Jahann na laging nakakunot ang noo.
I moved my hand and caressed his cheek. “You seemed close to Airi’s father…” ani ko habang hawak ang pisngi niya. Napansin ko kanina na mukhang hindi naman galit ang tatay ni Airi kay Jahann.
“There’s no reason to be mad, that’s why,” he shrugged and hugged me. I felt his lips on my arm.
“He liked you… maybe for Airi?” muling sabi ko habang pilit na iniignora ang pagdampi ng labi ni Jahann sa balat ko.
“I don’t love Airi,” he said as he continued kissing my arm.
“Jahann.”
“Hmm?” He looked at me and planted soft kisses on my neck.
“What… what are you doing?” hinawakan ko ang pisngi niya para iharap siya sa akin. He cocked his head on the side and smiled. “I love you…”
I moved my head and pecked on his lips.
He smiled a little. “Go to your room and take some rest,” sabi ko sa kanya bago akmang tatayo na para makatayo na rin siya pero mas hinigpitan niya ang yakap niya sa akin.
“Jahann…” I held his arm and squeezed it gently. “You should go back to your--”
He moved his head and claimed my lips.
Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit habang patuloy na marahang hinahalikan ang mga labi. Ang isang kamay niya ay nasa may pisngi ko at hinahaplos iyon habang patuloy ang paghalik sa mga labi ko.
“Jahann…” I tried talking against his lips. He just kissed me deeper. He pulled me closer and kissed me more. I felt him tugging my lower lip.
I couldn’t stop myself from making soft moans. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back. He smiled against my lips.
I moved my hand and placed it on his shoulder and pushed him a little. He looked at me, confused with what I did. I moved my hand and wiped his lips with my thumb.
“You should get some rest…” I told him. Natawa naman ako nang sinimangutan niya ako. Niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit at isinandal ang ulo sa balikat niya. “Thank you for coming back…” I whispered.
He’s rubbing my back softly, I smiled.
Nagulat ako nang bigla niya akong binuhat at dinala sa kama ko. Marahan niya lang akong ibinaba bago naupo sa tabi ko. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin at hindi nagsasalita.
“Why…?” I asked him.
Umiling naman siya bago hinila ang kumot para kumutan ako. Yumukod din siya at hinalikan ang noo ko.
“I’ll go to my room now, get some rest, Creep,” masuyong sabi niya bago mabilis na hinalikan ang mga labi ko. “As much as I want to stay here and sleep, I know you’ll be uncomfortable…” he said.
Alam ko na nahihirapan si Jahann pero hindi ko mapigilan na hindi mahalin siyang lalo dahil sa mga ginagawa niya. Iniintindi niya ako kahit na mahirap ang sitwasyon para sa kanya.
“Get some rest, too, okay?” sabi ko sa kanya na tinanguan naman niya ng marahan. Akala ko ay didiretso na siya palabas ngunit nagpunta pa siya kay Nikolai.
He caressed his head and smiled. “Sleep well, baby,” he said.
Muli siyang lumingon sa akin bago naglakad palabas ng kwarto ko. He opened the door when he stopped. He looked at me again.
“I know you’re sad about Montenegro, and it’s okay. Just know that I love you, okay?”
I smiled a little.
“Good night, Creep,” paalam nito bago humakbang palabas.
“Jahann…” I called him.
He stopped once again and looked at me. “Hmm?”
“I love you, too,” I said before smiling at him.