Kabanata 18: Hate
Sa sobrang inis ko ay halos magwala na ako roon sa boarding gate.
"Please let us board the plane. We don't care about the lockdown." medyo tumaas ang boses ko. "We need to be at Paris."
"Goob." tawag sa akin ng isang pamilyar na boses.
Sabay-sabay naming nilingon si Mick na ngayon ay seryoso ang titig sa akin. Limang metro ang layo niya sa amin ngunit nagpatuloy siya sa paghakbang nang mapukaw ang atensyon ko.
Karga-karga ko si Elliot sa aking mga braso. Nakapatong ang kanyang ulo sa aking balikat at hula ko ay inaantok kahit mag-aalas dose pa lamang ng tanghali.
Mick eyed me angrily, but sadness and disappointment filled his eyes. Pinantayan ko ang intensidad ng kanyang titig sa akin.
Pumagitna si Gabo sa amin. He clenched his fists.
"Leave us alone." matapang ang kanyang boses nang sabihin niya iyon kay Mick.
But Mick did not seem to mind. Hindi niya inalis ang titig sa akin.
"Is something wrong, Tito Gabo?" Elliot asked with his usual innocent voice.
Gabo's facial expression softened when he faced his nephew. "Nothing, baby Elliot." he answered softly.
Iniabot ko ang aking anak sa aking kapatid. "Buy ice cream with your Tito Gabo, baby. I need to talk to this man."
"Oh, it's Mr. Mick! Hi Mr. Mick!" maligayang bati niya.
Mick only gave him a nod. Sinamaan siya ng tingin ni Gabo. I motioned him to take Elliot somewhere at ginawa niya naman iyon agad kahit kitang-kita ko sa kanyang mukha ang pagdadalawang-isip.
Naiwan kaming dalawa ni Mick sa may boarding area.
The airport returned to its usual busy setup and the lockdown was lifted now that he found us. Hindi ko alam kung paano niya nagawang ipasailalim sa lockdown ang buong airport. Pero sa ngayon, hindi iyon ang dapat kong problemahin.
"What is wrong with you? What do you want?" galit kong tanong.
"I want us to start over again. With Elliot. As a family."
I scoffed at his statement. Nagpapatawa ba siya?
"What the fuck are you talking about?" kumunot ang noo ko. "Baliw ka ba?"
"No." seryoso ang kanyang boses. "Let's start over. With our son."
Pwede ko ba siyang suntukin? I swear gustong-gusto kong manapak.
"Ang kapal naman ng fucking face mo para hilingin yan. Nababaliw ka na talaga!"
"I am giving you a chance to settle this peacefully. In a way that no one loses. In a way that we all win."
Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili ko kaya sinampal ko siya. Hindi na ako sigurado kung pang-ilang sampal ko na iyon sa kanya ngayong araw. Pero wala akong pakialam kung mamaga man ang pisngi niya.
Hindi ako nakuntento kaya sinampal ko pa siya ng isang beses.
Sa mga ginawa niya sa akin noon, kulang pa iyon.
Umigting ang kanyang panga.
"In a way that we all win? Paano naman ako mananalo sa sinasabi mo? Paano ako mananalo kung bugbog at pangbababoy ang aabutin ko sa'yo? Ano ang gusto mong mangyari, Mick? Kalimutan ko ang lahat ng ginawa mo sa akin? As if they never happened? As if you never wronged me? Na tanggapin kita at patawarin sa lahat ng pananakit mo sa akin para lang bumuo ng pamilya kasama si Elliot? Which part of that makes me a winner too?"
Pinagtitinginan na kami ng mga tao. Ang iba ay nagsitigil sa paglalakad upang makiusyoso.
"I'm sorry for hurting you before, okay? My emotions got the best of me. Nadala lang ako ng galit." malungkot niyang saad. "I never stopped loving you, you know. Nagalit lang ako sa'yo noon kaya ko iyon nagawa. And I am not hoping that you will forgive me for the things I did. Dahil maski ako, hindi ko pa napapatawad ang sarili ko. All I'm asking you is a second chance."
"Do you hear yourself? Bakit kita bibigyan ng isa pang pagkakataon kung hindi pa kita napapatawad? Tatanungin kita Mick. Hanggang ngayon ba naniniwala ka pa rin na niloko kita para kay Louis?"
"It doesn't matter. I have forgiven you for that already."
I sarcastically laughed. Wow. Hanga ako noon pa man sa kanya. Sa kanyang mabubuting katangian. Ngunit ngayon, hanga na ako sa kakapalan ng kanyang mukha.
"So you still believe that I cheated on you? Wow. Just wow! Napakagaling mo naman at pinatawad mo na ako sa kasalanang kailanman ay hindi ko ginawa! Napakagaling mo!" I clapped slowly. "Palakpakan mo naman ang sarili mo." I mockingly said. "But anyway, you're right. It does not matter anymore. At kagaya ng sinabi ko sa'yo kanina, hindi kita hahayaan na maging ama kay Elliot. I will never let that happen."
"Think about Elliot. Don't you think he will be much happier if he grows up with a father?"
"I am his father. You are no one to him. So stop this crap and let us live peacefully. Anakan mo nalang iyong si Sining at doon mo ituon ang buong atensyon mo sa kanya. Because to be honest, we don't need your attention."
Kumuyom ang kanyang kamao at nanatili siyang tahimik. Kaya naman ay sinundan ko ang akimg sinabi.
"Nababaliw ka na kung iisipin mong makikipagbalikan pa ako sa'yo, Mick. You can only be a father to our son if I decide to reconcile with you. But I'm telling you, it will never happen. I will never allow myself to be with a man who never trusted me. Na piniling paniwalaan ang ibang tao kaysa sa karelasyon niya. I just can't, Mick."
"If you don't want me back then at least let him know me. You don't have to do it for me. Do it for our son."
"Don't you ever expect that I will allow you near my son. Dahil hahayaan ko lang na makilala ka niya kapag hilingin niya iyon sa akin. Only then will you be a part of his life."
"Would you rather take this to court? Or settle this peacefully among ourselves? Because I want to be a part of our son's life. At hindi ko hahayaang ipagkait mo ulit iyon sa akin. Kahit iyon na lang, Goob. Allow me to be a father to our son."
"Talking to you is nonsense, Mick." umiling-iling ako. "Now let us leave the country and live a peaceful life away from you."
"I am telling you Goob, this will be dirty. I will file for custody. Dito man sa Pilipinas o sa ibang bansa kung saan kayo pupunta. At sa paraang iyon, maaari kang mawalan ng karapatan kay Elliot. It would be bad for you. At ayaw kong mangyari sa'yo iyon. So let us settle this peacefully."
Hindi ako nakasagot sa kanyang sinabi.
I would lose my custody over my son? There is no way in hell I would let that happen.
Dahil sa pag-iisip ay hindi agad ako nakasagot. Dahil totoo ang sinabi niya.
Kung panigan siya ng korte, maaring tanggalan ako ng karapatan kay Elliot. Lalo na at halatang mas makapangyarihan siya sa akin.
"Please think about Elliot." pagpapatuloy niya. "Think about what he'll go through if we bring it to court. I'm sure he does not want to lose you. But can we at least ask him if he wants to know about me? Kung ayaw niya ay hindi ko na kayo guguluhin pa. But please, let's ask him first."
Napaisip ako sa kanyang sinabi. As much as I want to deny it, ngunit alam ng kaibuturan ng puso ko na tama siya. It will get dirty. At kitang-kita ko ang determinasyon niya. At sa determinasyon niya, kitang-kita ko na sisiguraduhin niyang manalo. Even if he needs to play dirty.
It was indeed a very wrong move coming back here. But what's done is done. Hindi ko na mababago ang nakaraan.
Right now, kailangan kong isantabi ang aking mga emosyon. Kailangan kong isantabi ang aking galit kay Mick. Lalo na at involved si Elliot.
Do I really want him to go through all those court hearings? Paano kung maapektuhan siya? At paano kung matalo ako?
Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata bago tumango-tango, suko na sa pagmamatigas lalo na at napagtanto ko na ang mga maaaring mangyari.
He is very determined. Sa ngayon, kapakanan ni Elliot ang iisipin ko.
I guess I'll need to find a solution out of this problem. Sa ngayon, siguro ay sasabihin ko na muna ang gusto niyang marinig. I'm sure along the way, I will think of something to remove him from our lives.
"Fine." I said in gritted teeth, still angry with the idea of letting him into my son's life. "I will ask Elliot if he wants to know you. Then talk to Techno about it."
---
Wala akong nagawa kundi isantabi ang planong pagtakbo at pag-alis sa bansa. A few minutes after our heated argument, we parted ways peacefully. Kahit galit pa ako sa kanya deep inside. Nanalo man siya sa akin ngayon, sisiguraduhin ko namang hindi iyon magtatagal.
I will ask Elliot if he wants to know him, sana lamang ay humindi siya. But I am not that evil. Syempre, hindi ko sisiraan si Mick sa kanyang anak.
Siguro ay mamayang gabi ko siya tatanungin.
Namroblema agad ako tungkol sa mga mangyayari nang makabalik kami sa penthouse. Gabo is so angry right now that he went to the condominium's pool to let himself cooldown. I asked him to bring Elliot so that I can have a time alone to think about what to do next.
Tinawagan ko si Techno at tinanong kung pwede ba siyang pumunta sa condo. Nagulat siya dahil akala niya nasa himpapawid na kami. Sinabi ko na lang sa kanya na hindi kami natuloy dahil pinigilan kami ni Mick. Aniya ay tatapusin lang daw ang mahalagang meeting kasama ang isang VIP client at didiretso agad dito.
Hinilot ko ang aking sentido habang nakaupo sa couch ng living room. My head is aching because of this problem.
What have I done?
Mag-aalas tres na ng hapon.
Ang sabi ni Mick kanina ay maghihintay siya hanggang bukas tungkol sa desisyon ko. Iniisip ko pa kung sasabihin ko na ba kay Elliot mamaya dahil baka mabigla siya.
My phone that was on top of the center table vibrated. Apo is calling me on Instagram.
"Hey. You completely ditched me for our lunch. Is something wrong?" bungad niya. He's wearing a mint green polo shirt. Malungkot at may pagtatampo ang kanyang boses.
As usual, he's so charming.
"I'm so sorry, Apo. Something came up. Maybe next time."
"It's okay. I understand. You seem stressed out. Can I help you with your problem?" he smiled weakly.
"No Apo. I'm sorry. It's a personal problem. I'll just reschedule our lunch. Is that fine with you?"
"Yeah. Sure. On your most convenient time."
"Thank you." sagot ko at ginawaran siya ng isang tipid na ngiti.
"Take care always, Goob."
"Ikaw rin."
I hung up the call and placed my phone back into the table. Somehow, gumaan ang aking pakiramdam. It's like Apo was a breather. Sabagay. Sa kanyang kagwapuhan ay talagang maiibsan ang pangamba mo.
Jowain ko kaya siya? Hays.
Biro lang. Hindi pa nga ako sigurado sa nararamdaman ko sa kanya. As much as possible, ayaw kong magpaasa ng tao.
Ano ba yan? Bakit love life ko ang aking pinoproblema? I have a bigger problem and that is Mick! Mag focus ka, Goob!
Sinubukan kong tawagin si Techno upang papuntahin na siya rito dahil kung ano-ano na ang naiisip ko. Ngunit hindi niya sinagot ang aking tawag. Busy pa siguro.
Hindi na ako mapakali. I am so eager to discuss the implications of custody cases.
My phone rang. Mabilis ko iyong kinuha sa mesa. I was expecting it to be Techno. But I was wrong.
It was an uknown number.
"Hello?" I politely asked the caller.
"Hi Goob." a deep voice answered from the other line. "It's Bright. I hope you don't mind me calling. I got your number from your manager."
I frowned. What is it with men that they keep calling me?
"I don't mind. What's up? Bakit ka napatawag?"
"Just checking in on you. And I also want to apologize for the kiss. Any chance that you're free for dinner tonight?" medyo nahihiya ang kanyang boses.
Ano ba ang meron sa mga lalaking ito at gusto nila akong makasa kumain.
Imbitahan ko nalang kaya sila nang sabay nang sa gayon ay mas madali?
"I can't tonight, Bright."
I still have to deal with Mick and talk to Techno. And I have to ask Elliot if he wants to know about his father.
"I understand. How about tomorrow?"
"I'm not sure, Bright."
"I see. Just tell me when you're no longer busy. I've been dying to take you out."
Bahagyang uminit ang pisngi ko. What the hell?
"O-okay."
"Bye. Take care."
"Ikaw rin."
Hay nako, Bright. Pareho lang kayo ni Apo. Mga pafall. May pa-take care pa kayong nalalaman. Hmp!
My phone once again rang. Hindi na ako nangahas na tingnan pa kung sino iyon.
"Hello? Don't tell me gusto mo naman aklng makasama sa breakfast." biro ko.
"How did you know?" natatawa ang boses ng nasa kabilang linya.
Kumunot ang noo ko at tiningnan ang screen ng aking cellphone.
It was also an unregistered number.
"Who's this?" mataray kong tanong.
"This is Thomas." He let out a manly chuckle.
Mas lalong kumunot ang noo ko. Thomas? That name sounds familiar. Ngunit hindi ko maalala kung saan ko siya nakilala.
"Thomas? Sinong Thomas?"
"Ouch ha. Nakalimutan mo talaga ako. Thomas. Gabo's teacher who used to visit your house five years ago."
"Really?"
"Yes. I got your number from your manager."
Seriously? Bakit parang napapansin ko na ipinamimigay na lang ni Kuya Dominic ang number ko kahit kanino? Kanina si Bright. Ngayon naman si Thomas?
"I see."
"I know this sounds weird because we haven't talked in years. But that's the reason why I'm so desperate to talk to you. And I've been waiting for years. Can I take you for some breakfast tomorrow?" nahihiya niyang tanong.
Seryoso ba sila? Nagsabwatan ba sila?
Pero kagaya ng mga naging sagot ko, hindi pa rin ako pwede.
"I can't tomorrow, Thomas. I'm sorry."
"That's okay. Perhaps some other time." aniya.
"Yeah."
"Please save my number. I won't disturb you any longer because you might be busy. But I'll keep in touch."
"Okay."
"See you. And please take care."
What the fuck? May pattern ba talaga ang mga lalaki? Oh my gosh!
"Yeah. You too."
Binaba ko na ang tawag. I cannot believe this! I have been asked by three different and equally handsome gentlemen for breakfast, lunch and dinner! And here I am so stressed out because of one not so gentleman guy!
Nakakaloka! Ganoon ba ako ka nakakahumaling?
Habang naghihintay kay Techno sa living room ay naramdaman ko ang unti-unting pagbigat ng talikap ng aking mga mata.
Hindi ko nalaman na nakatulog na pala ako.
Nagising ako dahil sa malakas na pagsarado ng pintuan.
I scratched my eyes to see who it was.
Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko nang makita si Mick sa loob ng condo na hawak ang kamay ni Elliot. On Mick's shoulder is my son's favorite backpack.
Mabilis akong napatayo.
"Baby, why are you with that man?" naguguluhan kkng tanong. "Come to papa."
"No, Papa. You're evil!" sigaw ng anak ko.
Gulat at pagkalito ang bumalot sa aking mukha. Naramdaman ko ang paninikip ng aking dibdib. Kumunot ang aking noo dahil sa narinig.
"Elliot, please get away from him and come to Papa." pakiusap ko sa aking anak.
"You kept me away from my father. You kept me away from Daddy Mick!" sumbat niya.
Mick was just there watching me seriously. Humakbang ako palapit sa kanila. Elliot was quick to go behind Mick. Mistulang nagtatago at natatakot sa akin.
Hindi ko mapigilan ang masaktan. Why is he scared of me? Ano ang sinabi sa kanya ni Mick?
"No baby. I just wanted him away from you because he's not a good person. He hurt me many times." namuo ang mga luha sa gilid ng aking mga mata.
"Liar! Daddy Mick is a good person!"
Daddy Mick? Oh my gosh!
Ginawaran ko si Mick ng galit na titig. Naikuyom ko ang aking mga kamao. Ngunit dahil nasa harap ko si Elliot ay pinilit kong pakalmahin ang sarili.
"Baby, please come to Papa." pakiusap ko.
"No." Mas lalo siyang nagtago sa likod ni Mick.
It was so painful.
My own son whom I raised for five years on my own is acting like he hates me.
"Baby please." My voice broke as tears began to pour down my eyes.
"No, Papa. I choose to live with Daddy Mick. I don't want to be with you anymore. I hate you. You're a liar. You're evil."
My lips trembled. Umiling-iling ako.
Nilapitan ko siya at lumuhod sa kanyang harapan. But Mick tried to block his view of me.
"Elliot has now decided, Goob. Respect our son's decision." Mick remarked with no emotion.
Naramdaman ko ang pagkabasag ng aking puso habang naguunahan ang aking mga luha.
"Let's go, bud." anyaya ni Mick sa anak ko at kinarga sa kanyang bisig.
"Elliot, please." I cried.
He placed his head on top of Mick's shoulder, refusing to see me.
"I hate you, Papa."
Nag-umpisang humakbang si Mick palabas ng condo. Hanggang sa tuluyan na silang makalabas at naiwan akong mag-isa.
Sa sobrang panghihina ng aking katawan ay hindi na ako nakatayo at hindi ko na sila nahabol pa. I was left there kneeling on the cold tiled floor as I cried. Mistulang winasak ang aking puso.
Being hurt by your special someone is one thing. Pero ang kamuhian ng sariling anak ay sobra. Sobrang sakit.
What have I done?