Kabanata 19: Sunflowers and Fried Chicken
Para akong binagsakan ng langit sa mga oras na iyon. I was just there crying with no one to comfort me. Gustong sumabog ng puso ko mula sa aking dibdib. Sobra ang pighati na aking nararamdaman.
I did not know what to do. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Elliot was dearest to me. And now he just slipped away.
"Elliot, please don't leave me! I love you baby. Please come back to Papa." iyak ko habang nakahiga sa sahig at niyayakap ang aking mga tuhod.
"Kuya, gising!" I heard Gabo's call.
"Papa, please wake up." Elliot's soft yet worried voice filled the air. "Why are you crying Papa?"
Nagising ako dahil may yumuyugyog sa aking katawan. Una kong nakita ang nag-aalalang mukha ng aking anak. He was at the verge of crying.
Mabilis ko siyang binuhat at niyakap. I was crying as I hugged him tight.
"Please don't leave Papa, baby. It will hurt me so much. I won't be able to bear the pain."
Niyakap niya ako pabalik. Pagkatapos ay hinalikan ang aking noo.
"I will never ever leave you, Papa Goob. I will always be by your side." he assured me.
Mas lalo akong naiyak. Ngayon ay unti-unti na akong kumakalma at napapayapa.
I am so relieved that it was nothing but a bad dream. Dahil kung naging totoo iyon, talagang hindi ko kakayanin.
In that bad dream, Elliot told me that he hates me. And it was so painful. Ngayon ay natatakot ako dahil baka ganoon din ang maging reaksyon niya kapag malaman niyang itinago ko siya sa kanyang tatay.
Pero siguro ay may karapatan naman talaga siyang magalit. I just hope that he chooses to forgive me. Elliot is a very smart kid. Sa edad niya ngayon ay alam kong maiintindihan na niya ang mga sasabihin ko.
Naramdaman ko ang paghaplos ni Gabo sa aking likod, sinusubukang pakalmahin ako.
"It was just a dream, Kuya. You're safe. We are safe. You have nothing to worry about." si Gabo at sumali siya sa aming yakap.
Now I am at peace. Being in the arms of the two men I love the most in my life. I could never wish for something more. With them I am happy. And with them I am at home.
Habang nandito sila sa aking tabi, wala akong problema na hindi malalampasan. Wala akong hamon na hindi mapagtatagumpayan.
We were just there, giving comfort to each other. It was silent, but very emotional.
Makalipas ang ilang minutong katahimikan, humiwalay na si Gabo sa yakap.
Hinarap ko siya habang karga-karga pa rin si Elliot.
"I need to talk to Elliot alone."
Tumango lamang siya at iniwan na kami upang magtungo sa kanyang silid.
Hindi ko na mahihintay pa si Techno. We are supposed to discuss the implications if I were to bring this to court for a custody battle. Siguro ay tama si Mick. We should settle this peacefully. After all, this is for Elliot's welfare.
Naiwan kaming dalawa ni Elliot. Ibinaba ko siya sa couch kung saan ako nakatulog kanina.
Naupo ako sa kanyang tabi at hinarap siya. His innocent eyes were directed at me.
"I have to tell you something, baby."
"What is it, Papa?"
Sa totoo lang, kinakabahan ako ng sobra. I am scared that he will react the same way he did in my dream. Pero dahil kilala ko ang anak ko, kahit papaano ay naibsan ang aking pangamba. I raised him well. That is why I am hoping that he would understand. Kung hindi man ay siguro dahil sa edad niya.
Nevertheless, he deserves to know the truth. Kung may natutunan man ako sa panaginip na iyon, that is how painful it is to be away from your child.
That dream has taught me a different perspective. Yes, sinaktan ako ni Mick noon. But is what I'm doing really fair? Tama ba na idamay ko si Elliot?
Ngayon na involved na si Elliot, siguro ay dapat lang na isantabi ko ang aking emosyon.
Hinawakan ko ang kanyang maliliit na kamay at marahang pinisil ang mga iyon.
"You are probably still small to understand this, but I know that you are smart enough. Remember Mr. Mick whom you met earlier?"
Kumunot ang kanyang noo, bahagyang naguguluhan sa aking mga sinabi. Gayunpaman ay marahan siyang tumango at naghintay ng aking idudugtong.
"He is your father. You know, your other Papa."
Umawang ang kanyang bibig bago unti-unting napalitan ng isang malapad at nasasabik na ngiti. His eyes almost twinkled.
Hindi ko inasahan na magiging ganoon ang reaksyon niya.
"Really, Papa? He is my father too?" he exclaimed. "But how?"
"It's complicated, baby. But I'll explain it to you when you grow older."
"Does that mean I can spend more time with him?" hindi na niya naitago ang excitement sa kanyang boses.
Somehow, I felt more relieved. At least he is not angry that I kept it from him for years. Pero may parte sa akin na natatakot sa maaaring kahinatnan ngayong alam na niya ang tungkol sa kanyang ama.
"Only if you want to, baby. Do you want to know him?"
He nodded several times, enough proof that he is excited to spend more time with his father and get to know him better.
I closed my eyes as I gave him a nod.
For years I have worked so hard to make Elliot feel the love he deserves. Dahil sa poot ko kay Mick, sinigurado kong hindi maramdaman ni Elliot ang kakulangan sa pagmamahal para hindi niya iyon hanapin sa iba.
And I was successful on that part. He never craved for someone elses love.
I thought I was enough. But I was wrong. Elliot never craved for someone elses love because he only knew about me. He only knew about my love. Hindi niya alam ang tungkol kay Mick kaya kailanman ay hindi niya hinanap ang pagmamahal ng kanyang ama. At ngayong alam na niya, paniguradong hahanapin niya ito.
And that worries me. I have experienced the kind of love that Mick can offer. But I have also experienced the pain he could cause you.
Ang tanging hiling ko lang sa kanya, especially that he begged me for this, ay alagaan niya at mahalin niya si Elliot kagaya ng pagmamahal ko sa aming anak.
Kung ano man ang relasyon nila ni Sining, sana lang ay hindi iyon makaapekto sa magiging relasyon nila ni Elliot.
I will give him the chance to be a father to our son. I just hope he doesn't break my trust.
"I want to know him, Papa."
My son has decided. And I am true to my words. I am not doing this for Mick. I am doing this for Elliot's sake.
"Very well. You'll meet him tomorrow then."
"Can we invite him here for dinner tonight?"
Hindi ko inasahan ang tanong na iyon. His voice was filled with excitement. Kaya mabigat man sa aking damdamin ay hindi ko natanggihan ang aking anak.
"Yeah. Perhaps we can do that."
I am not sure about inviting Mick here. But again, this is for Elliot. Kailangan kong isantabi ang aking damdamin.
Pagkatapos ng aming masinsinang pag-uusap ng aking anak ay agad kong ipinaalam kay Techno ang balita. Ang sabi niya ay hindi pa rin tapos ang kaniyang meeting sa isang VIP client ngunit hindi na raw magtatagal.
From Techno: This VIP client won't let me go. Pag ako nainis dito sasadyain ko talagang magpatalo 😤
Ako; It's fine. Mamaya na lang tayo mag-usap.
From Techno: Matatapos na ang meeting at pupunta agad ako riyan para idiscuss ang arrangements na idedemand natin sa kanya.
Inabot muna ng tatlumpung minuto bago ako nakapgreply. Nalibang ako sa panonood ng tv kasama si Elliot.
Ako: Okay. See you in a bit.
Techno: I'm on my way. Huwag mo munang kausapin si Mick habang wala pa tayong plano.
Bandang alas singko ng hapon nang makarating siya.
I asked Elliot to stay in his uncles room while I talk to his Tito Techno.
"I am not surprised that Mick was able to put the airport in lockdown. Maraming koneksyon iyon sa gobyerno at sa mga namamahala sa paliparan. With just a few phone calls, he can do anything he wants." saad ni Techno nang maupo siya sa couch. "But still he could not stop you from leaving the airport dahil pwede lang ilockdown ang isang public facility for a few moments if there is a public threat. At kapag natukoy na wala namang dapat ikabahala, hindi na kayo mahohold pa. Why did you not call me immediately? Sana nakaalis pa rin kayo ng bansa."
"He threatened me, Techno. Ang sabi ay magfafile pa rin siya ng custody case kahit saang bansa kami magpunta. And I was thinking about Elliot. So I decided to settle things peacefully. Para sa kapakanan ng anak namin."
"Technically, pwedeng pwede mo siyang labanan sa kaso. Pero mahihirapan tayong manalo. I can argue about his violent history involving you. Pero wala tayong ebidensya dahil hindi mo rin naman narecord iyong mga ginawa niya sa'yo noon. And with our current justice system? Talagang mahihirapan tayong manalo. Lalo na at busy ka rin sa trabaho so we cannot argue that Mick won't have lesser time compared to what you can offer to Elliot. I would have advised the same too. It would be very dirty. At talagang maapektuhan si Baby Elliot. Sana talaga ay hindi na lang kayo bumalik dito. And I also assume na hindi mo na siya sasampahan ng kidnapping."
"What's done has been done. Now Elliot wants to know his father. Ayaw ko namang makulong si Mick dahil siguradong hahanapin siya ng bata. Siguro ay hahayaan ko nalang na maging parte siya ng buhay ng anak ko. Ano ang pwede nating gawin?"
"I have to do further readings on that. What I can tell you now is that you can arrange scheduled visits with Mick. Tayo ang gagawa ng kasunduan. We will show him that we still have the upperhand. And that we will decide. Sa iyo pa rin titira si Elliot."
"Elliot wants to invite him for dinner."
"Yeah. You can do that. Para makausap natin siya na dalhin niya ang abogado niya bukas para makausap natin para sa arrangement. I will need to prepare it tonight."
"Thank you Techno. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko kung wala ka."
"Ang OA talaga baccla! Pero sabagay. Napaka-impulsive mo pa naman minsan. But I'm glad I am able to help you. Ikaw pa ba? And let's not forget the main purpose why you came back to the country! Pagbabayarin pa natin si Louis. At ang mga kasabwat niya kung mayroon man. I think the guy will send the CCTV copy later."
Tumango ako at tumayo na. "That's good. You're right. We should not forget about our main objective."
"Ano ba ang ihahanda mo para sa dinner? If I may suggest, lasunin mo nalang iyong ex mo para mawala na ang problema mo." natatawa niyang sabi.
Binatukan ko siya. "Baliw ka talaga! Ikaw ang abogado rito tapos ganyang ang suggestion mo! Edi nalungkot yung anak ko dahil namatay yung tatay niya na kanina niya lang nakilala."
"Siguraduhin mo lang na dahil kay Elliot kaya ginagwa mo to! Baka mamaya may hidden agenda ka na! Sampalin talaga kita baccla! Napakarupok mo pa naman!" paalala niya.
"Che! Sa dami ng manliligaw ko, bakit pa ako babalik kay Mick?" I glanced around the unit, making sure that Elliot will not hear me. "Bakit? Siya lang ba ang may titi sa mundo?"
Humagalpak sa tawa si Techno dahil sa aking sinabi. "Ang bastos! Panindigan mo yan ha HAHAHAHA. But kidding aside, sigurado ka bang iimbitahan mo yung hayop na yon dito sa condo mo? Kung ipaliwanag mo lang kay Elliot siguradong maiintindihan niya naman."
Natahimik ako ng ilang segundo at nag-isip. No. For Elliot. My son is my topmost priority.
"I saw how excited he was to meet his father again. I don't want to take that away from him."
Tumango ang aking kaibigan.
"Very well. Aalis muna ako at may date pa ako. See you later!" paalam niya.
"Sino na naman ba iyan? Iyong manager?"
"Secret! Baka agawin mo!"
"Hindi ko ugaling mang-agaw! Baka si Sining ang tinutukoy mo! HAHAHA. Sa ganda kong to, sila mismo ang lumalapit sa akin!"
"Che!" aniya at nagbeso na sa akin bago tuluyang umalis.
I immediately informed Mick about Elliot's request. I am not sure if this is a good idea. But again, for Elliot, I am willing to do everything.
Gabo also did not like the idea of inviting Mick to our place. Pero dahil kay Elliot ay wala siyang magagawa. Ang sabi niya ay sa kwarto lang siya mananatili dahil hindi niya kayang makipagplastikan kay Mick. Hindi na ako nakipagtalo pa sa kanya.
Alas sais nang mag-umpisa ako sa pagluluto. Kakalagay ko lang ng rice cooker sa lutuan nang tumunog ang doorbell ng aming unit.
I am far from finishing my preparations. Magpriprito pa ako ng manok at magluluto ng pakbet.
Sino kaya ito? Hindi naman siguro si Mick dahil ang sabi ko sa kanya ay alas siete y media.
Matapos magpunas ng kamay ay tinungo ko ang pinto. Elliot is busy watching television on the sala.
Bahagya akong nagulat nang pagbukas ng pinto ay si Mick ang aking nakita.
Sa kanyang kaliwang kamay ay isang bouquet ng sunflowers habang sa kanay ay isang bag na puno ng mga tsokolate.
Seryoso ang kanyang mga mata nang magkatitigan kami. Ako naman ay walang emosyon na ipinakita.
Mabilis akong nag-iwas ng tingin.
Mick is wearing his black pants and plain white shirt. The fitted shirt clung to his body and arms, giving me a hint of his formed muscles.
"I hope that flower is for Elliot." panimula ko. Nilakihan ko ang bukas ng pinto bilang pagimbita ko sa kanya na pumasok.
"Mr. Mick!" magiliw na sigaw ni Elliot at tumakbo palapit. "Or should I call you D-daddy Mick? Or P-papa Mick?" nahihiya siya sa kanyang mga tanong.
Mick turned to Elliot who was now in front of him.
"Hey there, buddy." Lumuhod siya sa harap ng bata upang magpantay ang kanilang paningin. "You can call me whatever you want." He smiled at his son before giving him a quick kiss on top of his head.
"Daddy Mick then. Since I call Papa Goob Papa."
My heart fluttered, not the emotion I was expecting. Kanina ay akala ko magagalit ako. Pero ngayon, hindi ko mapigilan ang maging emosyonal.
This could have been our life. Mick coming home to his family after a very tiring day at work. He would play with his son even if he is already tired. And after that, he would do me before he falls asleep.
But he threw that chance away by believing in his friends. By believing that I was a liar. By believing that I was a cheater.
Ang kaninang hindi maipaliwanag na emosyon ay napalitan ng galit. Hindi ko namalayan na tumulo na pala ang aking luha.
Tinalikuran ko sila at mabilis iyong pinahid. Agad ko naman silang hinarap pagkatapos gawin iyon.
Tumayo si Mick at ibinigay sa akin ang kumpol ng bulaklak. I was hesitant to accept it but because Elliot was in front of us, I could not do anything but receive them.
Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin habang seryoso niya lang akong tinitigan. Napansin niyang dahil kay Elliot kaya ko iyon tinanggap kaya nalaman niyang habang nasa harap namin si Elliot ay hahayaan ko siya sa gusto niyang gawin.
He gave me a quick kiss on my cheeks.
Muntik ko na siyang masampal ngunit dahil nga nandito si Elliot sa aming harapan ay labis ang pagpipigil ko sa sarili.
There was a ghost of a smile on his lips.
Ang bag ng chocolates naman ay binigay niya iyon sa aming anak.
Tuwang-tuwa si Elliot dahil sa regalo na natanggap mula sa ama.
Iniwan ko na sila roon at nagtungo na sa kusina upang ipagpatuloy ang pagluluto.
Nang maisalang ang unang batch ng prinitong manok ay tumunog ang aking cellphone. It was Techno calling.
"Nakuha ko na ang kopya ng CCTV sa hotel, Goob. And you are not gonna like it. I'm not even sure if you want to hear this news. Dahil kahit ako parang hindi ko kakayanin." nanghihina ang boses ni Techno sa kabilang linya.
Kumunot ang aking noo, naguguluhan sa kanyang balita.
"What? Why? Does it show that Louis brought me there? And does it show him leaving the room without me?"
"Goob, I'm not s-sure if I should tell you this right now." He was hesitant.
"Tell me, Techno. Tell me that we can win the case with that evidence. Tell me that we can jail Louis!"
"Louis took you to the room. But he was seen leaving it two minutes later."
"What do you mean?" mas lalo akong naguluhan. "Pero bumalik siya agad sa kwarto?"
"Hindi nagtagal si Louis sa loob ng kwarto. He never came back. But..." he paused, halatang nagdadalawang-isip kung ipagpapatuloy pa niya ang kanyang saaabihin.
"What? Does this mean I wasn't raped?"
"Louis left the room. But three more men went inside. Oh gosh!" nanginig ang kanyang boses.
"I don't understand, Techno. What do you mean?" naramdaman ko ang pagbilis ng tibok ng puso ko.
"Louis was not the one who did it. Dean, Pete, and Kao did it. Sila ang pumasok at nagtagal sa kwarto, G-Goob. I'm so sorry, oh god. Naiiyak ako."
Nabitiwan ko ang aking cellphone dahil agaran ang panghihina ng aking mga kamay.
My knees trembled. It turns out that I was not taken advantage by one person. Hindi ako pinagsamtalahan ng isang tao. Dahil tatlong tao pala.
Tahimik akong umiyak habang niyayakap ang aking sarili.