Ganito pala talaga ang pakiramdam na mag-isa ka sa lahat ng bagay? Iyong hindi mo alam kung kanino ka tatakbo sa oras na hindi ka makapag-isip nang maayos. Iyong gusto mo na lang sa mundo ay maglaho na lang muna at bumalik na lang kapag ayos na ang lahat?
I really hate that feeling and I can almost think that my life was really a curse.
My phone rang so I get it from my pocket, it was him.
"Hmm?" malumanay kong tanong.
He took a deep breath in the other line and I knew that he was already getting worried. "Nasaan ka?" tanong niya kaya napailing ako at ang luhang kanina pang gustong tumulo sa mga mata ko ay pumatak na.
I didn't really cried when I was here alone in the swing. Ngunit parang baril na may kumalabit sa puso ko para mapaluha ako ngayon.
Nandito kasi ako ngayon sa park kung saan kakaunti na lang ang tao dahil malalim na rin ang gabi. Halos lahat sila ay mayroong kasamang nobya o kaya naman ay pamilya. They were all happy as it reflects the christmas lights hanging on the trees.
"Ms. Savannah Caroline Teodoro?" buong pangalang tawag niya sa akin kaya napangiti ako sa hindi alam na dahilan. "Are you still there?" he asked.
"Hmm," tango ko sa kaniyabg tanong. "Nandito pa rin ako," I said and forced a smile even if he couldn't see me smiling.
"Tapos na ba ang debut party?"
"I don't know," I answered.
"Are you crying?" tanong niya sa kabilang kaya ayon na naman ang sunod-sunod na pagtulo ng aking mga mata.
I didn't answered and I cried silently while he was on the other line.
"Hey, Savannah?" tanong niya pa sa kabilang linya pero hindi pa rin ako sumagot at pinunasan nang tuloy-tuloy na tumulo ang aking mga luha. "Savannah, nasaan ka?!" inis niya na ngayong tanong ngunit hindi pa rin ako sumagot.
I ended the call without telling anything to him. Ngunit tumawag pa siya ulit ngunit hindi ko na iyon sinagot pa. Although I didn't answer his call, I still send his text message.
I waited on the park for almost five minutes. Tulala akong naghihintay sa kaniya hanggang sa may umabot sa akin ng panyo.
"Sorry, natagalan ako." malumanay niyang sabi saka umupo sa kabilang swing.
I didn't looked at him, instead I wipe the tears that was still flowing down on my face.
"Baka naabala kita?" nag-aalala kong tanong.
"Kahit kailan ay hindi naging abala ang mga taong mahal ko," he softly said and I felt he took a quick glanced at me. "How's the party?"
I forced a smile and looked at the children who were playing on the slide of the park.
"It was g-great," I almost whispered.
"Nagpaalam ka ba sa Tita mo na aalis ka?" tanong niya sa akin kaya umiling ako.
I left without telling Tita, alam ko naman kaaing hindi naman nila ako aalahanin dahil busy sila masyado sa party. Her friends were also there, so she don't have time to look for me.
"Malaki naman na ako kaya hindi na 'yon mag-aalala sa akin."
"Even if you're a grown up lady, you are exception to those bad guys. Paano kung may nangyaring masama sa'yo rito habang naghihintay sa akin?" litanya niya.
I looked at him and gave him a fake smile.
"Wala namang nangyari kaya ayos na. Nandito ka naman na sa tabi ko," I told him.
"Hindi sa lahat ng oras ay nariyan ako sa tabi mo, Sav." sambit niya kaya napatango ako.
Sabay no'n ang pagngiti ko nang pilit dahil sa kaniyang sinabi. Who would dare to stay by my side, right? Funny it is. Wala naman yatang tumagal sa akin maliban kay Mama.
Well, everything is not permanent and anytime they would change or disappear.
"Kasi sino ba naman ako para manatili ang mga taong mahal ko sa tabi ko?" mapait kong tugon sa kaniya.
Tumayo siya saka lumapit sa akin, "Let's not talk about that, okay? Kumain ka na muna," he uttered and offered his hand but I just looked at it.
"Babalik ka ba sa akin kapag tapos ka na sa kontrata mo'ng 5 years sa barko?"
Hindi siya umimik sa tanong ko kaya napangiti na lang ako nang mapait saka tumayo.
Silence means yes, but I guess, this time it was the opposite.
Naglakad na lang ako papunta sa nagtitinda ng mga street foods. I looked back at Octav when he was still there and standing.
"Hey?" nakangiti kong tawag sa kaniya. "Tatayo ka na lang ba riyan hanggang mag-umaga?" I told him and gave the best smile I could show to him.
Naglakad na rin siya sa wakas hanggang sa marating namin ang street foods lane. Bumalik na ang sigla niya ngunit ngayon ay hindi ko na mabasa ang nasa isip niya.
"Kwek-kwek po, Ate." I told the vendor.
Ngumiti siya sa akin at tumingin naman kay Octav na nginitian din siya, "Ang ganda n'yo namang tingnan na mag-nobyo," she compliment us.
"Salamat po," sambit ko at ganoon din si Octav.
"Oh?" manghang sambit ng nagtitinsa saka tiningnan pa si Octav. "Hello, Sir! Hindi kita kaagad nakilala ah!" dagdag pa nito kaya napatingin ako kay Octav.
"Busy po kasi sa trabaho," nakangiti niyang sabi pero alam ko namang pilit lang iyon.
"Girlfriend mo na ba itong si ija?" tanong ni Ateng nagtitinda kaya napayuko ako.
I felt his stares at me and it was making me tremble.
"Hindi pa po."
"Ay aba, bakit naman hindi pa?! Ang gwapo mo naman 'tapos matalino, dapat sa kagaya mong tao ay hindi na pinapatagal ang panliligaw!" ani ni Ate.
I looked at her and shyly smiled. Napailing na lang si Octav sa tindera at saka kami bumalik doon sa loob ng park para roon kumain ng binili namin.
"Is these all you want to eat?" tanong niya sa akin nang ilapag niya ang baso na may lamang palamig sa bench na inuupuan namin.
"Oo, nakakain naman na ako kahit kaunti kanina sa debut." sagot ko sa kaniya.
Naging tahimik ang paligid namin at paunti na nang paunti ang tao rito sa park. At dahil naka tube dress lang ako ay napayakap ako bigla nang umihip ang hangin. I felt Octav looked at me and I can't help myself from looking at him.
Walang pasabi ay inalis niya ang suot niyang itim na leather jacket. Ngayon tuloy ay halata na ang malaki niyang katawan dahil sa puting tshirt na suot niya.
He really looks attractive even just with those simple tshirt. I can't help myself but to look at him with admiration.
"Wear this," he softly said. When our eyes met, he smiled at me.
"Thanks," nahihiya kong sabi sa kaniya at huminga nang malalim bago ko iyon sinuot. "Hindi ka ba lalamigin?" tanong ko pa rin sa kaniya kahit halata naman na kaoag tumagal pa kami rito ay paniguradong lalamigin siya.
"Eh 'di painitin mo," pilyo niyang sabi kaya napailing na lang ako habang nakangiti sa kaniya. "About your question a while ago..." he gently said and took a deep breath.
"Kung ikaw ang tatanungin ko, kaya mo bang maghintay ng limang taon na walang nagugustuhang iba?" tanong niya sa akin kaya napaisip ako.
I was... I was thinking the same.
Yeah, even with myself, I can't guarantee that I was not going to admire another man as how much I admire him. Hindi ko alam.
"Kung ikaw naman ang hihintayin ay willing akong maghintay kahit gaano katagal." I told him and smiled. "Ikaw? Kaya mo bang hindi tumingin sa ibang magagandang babae sa ibang bansa habang nasa barko ka?" tanong ko sa kaniya.
"Hindi naman pangpasahero ang sasakyan kong barko, Sav." he said and laughed a bit.
"Kahit na, Octav. Kilala ang mga seaman bilang mga manloloko. How can you be sure that you're not going to cheat on me?" I asked him.
"Then I'll prove to you that your belief to seamen is a fake news. Tsk," asik niya at napailing. "Nga pala, hindi mo pa sinasagot ang tanong ko sa 'yo kanina," bigla niyang sabi kaya naman ay napatingin ako sa kaniya.
"Anong nangyari sa debut party ni Rhea at bigla kang umalis?"
"I'm jealous and insecure of her," pag-amin ko.
"Bakit ka naman maiinggit sa kaniya kung mayroon ka namang Octav na kagaya ko?" tanong niya sa akin kaya inirapan ko siya.
Ngunit kalauna'y napangiti rin ako dahil sa kaniyang sinabi. I looked at him and then we laughed at each other.
"Ang saya pala sa pakiramdam na may kasama kang tumawa 'no?" bigla kong sabi sa kaniya.
"Huh? Bakit mo naman iyan nasabi?" he asked.
I looked at him and shook my head.
"I pity my life for having no one to lean on when I was away from Mama. Noong baguhan pa lang ako rito sa Bicol, pakiramdam ko ay magsisimula na naman ako sa una. Walang kilalang kaklase, walang kaibigan, walang kahit na anong bagay na p'wedeng ipagmalaki." I told him and smiled bitterly.
"I never imagined my life having Ralph, Haisely and Kennedy as my friends. Kasi akala ko noon ay wala na akong magiging kaibigan dahil baguhan pa lang ako. I came from different section from them then that incident happened. I never thought that because of them, I would experience laughing with someone... With them." I explained and looked at him.
"Hindi kaya mas weird kung tatawa kang mag-isa hindi ba? Iisipin ng ibang tao ay baliw ka kaya naman talagang may kasama kang ngimiti at tumawa," he sarcastically said that made us laugh.
"Iniisip ko na nga lang na kung hindi ba nangyari sa akin ang nakaraan ko at kung hindi ko na kailangang lumipat dito sa bikol ay makikilala ko kayo? Kung magtatagpo pa rin ba tayo kahit nasa Visayas ako," I whispered.
"Hindi naman alam natin ang mangyayari sa buhay natin kaya kailangan na lang natin makisabay sa agos ng buhay." he said and I felt his gaze at me.
Matapos ng pag-uusap namin ay sumakay kami sa kaniyang kotse. He was singing love songs while he was driving. Sinasabayan ko pa siya sa kaniyang pagkanta kaya naman ay tawa kami nang tawa sa isa't isa dahil minsan ay namamali kami ng lyrics.
"Gagi, mali na naman 'yong radyo." sambit niya kaya natawa ako.
"Hiyang-hiya na talaga si Shawn Mendez sa dami niyang maling lyrics," I said and shook my head as if I agree with him.
"Talaga lang!" taas noo niyang sabi kaya napailing na lang ako sa kaniya.
"Sav," tawag niya sa akin kaya napabaling ako sa kaniya. "Inform Tita Suzette that you're with me," he commanded, so I instantly followed him.
I dialed Tita Suzette's number but she was not answering. Maybe the party was not yet over. O kaya naman ay hindi niya hawak-hawak ang kaniyang cellphone. When I dialed her number again, she still didn't answer it.
"Busy pa yata."
I looked at Octav who was driving. He looked at me and nodded.
"Call her again later," sambit niya kaya naman ay tumango at tipid na ngumiti sa kaniya.
Naghintay na lang tuloy ako ng ilan pang minuto para tawagan si Tita. Pagkatapos ng limang minuto ay tinawagan ko na siya ngunit unattended pa rin.
Kaya naman ang ginawa ko ay iti-text na lang sana siya nang biglang tumawag sa akin si Haisely. Kaagad ko iyong sinagot ngunit galit na boses ang binungad niya sa akin.
"Hey! Nasaan ka ba, Savannah Caroline?! Tumawag sa akin si tita kanina at hinahanap ka!"
Napatingin ako kay Octav nang bahagya kong inilayo pa ang cellphone ko sa aking tainga dahil sa galit na boses ni Haisely.
I eventually felt like I am being lost by my mother inside a mall! And the mother was Haisely!
"Sino 'yan?" Octav seriously asked me when he looked at me.
"Haisely," I told him and looked again in front of me.
"Hoy! Sino iyang kasama mo ah?! Jusko naman, Savannah Caroline, pinapakaba mo ako nang malala! Nasaan ka ba at pupuntahan kita, iti-text ko si Ralph na susunduin ka naming dalawa." sunod-sunod niyang salita at kahit na gusto kong sumingit ay hindi ko magawa!
I heaved a sigh when she finally stopped from shouting.
"Calm down, Haisely. I'm not in danger, okay?" I said in gentle voice.
"Eh bakit ka sa akin hinahanap ng Tita mo kung bigla ka na lang mawawala sa prry ng pinsan mo?" she said angrily.
"Calm down, okay? Huminga ka muna," I told her and bite my lower lip. "I am with Octav and in fact, I was already calling Tita Suzette but her phone was unattended. I was about to text her but you called my number," I explained and from the other line, I heard her deep sigh.
Stress na naman tuloy siya nang dahil sa akin!
"Ibigay mo kay Octav kung totoo ngang kasama mo siya," utos niya sa akin na kaagad ko namang sinunod.
Itinapat ko ang aking cellphone sa tainga ni Octav para makausap siya ni Haisely.
"She wants to talk to you," I told him.
Tumango siya at sumeryoso ang mukha, "Hello? Yeah, I am with her... Don't worry about her, Haisely. She's safe with me. Oo nga, ang kulit mo naman." natatawang sabi ni Octav habang kausap si Haisely.
"Yah, I am on the way in our house. Doon na muna siya matutulog sa amin dahil ayaw niya pang umuwi sa Tita niya. Yah, yah, yah. I won't dare to touch her, Haisely. Kalmahan mo lang," he exclaimed.
Matapos ng kanilang pag-uusap ay sinaman ko ng tingin si Octav.
"Did I told you that I'm going to sleep in your house? Baka mapagalitan lang ako ng Mama at Papa mo," sambit ko sa kaniya.
Hindi siya nagsalita kaya hinayaan ko na lang siya. Well, ayaw ko pa naman talagang umuwi sa kanila Tita dahil sa hindi pa maayos ang pag-iisip ko. Baka mamaya ay kinin na naman ako ng selos kapag nakita ko silang buong pamilya.
Kaya naman ang nangyari ay tinawagan ko na lang si Tita na hindi ako makakauwi ngayon sa bahay. I even told her that I'm with a friend, but I didn't mentioned that I was with a boy.
Bumaling ako ng tingin kay Octav at nakataas ang aking kilay nang magsalita ako, "Sure ka bang hindi magagalit ang Mama at Papa mo?" I assured.
"Yah," tipid niyang salita.
Nagdire-diretso na lang siyang magmaneho hanggang sa makarating kami sa kanilang bahay. But what surprised me was there was no anyone inside their house.
"Nasaan ang Mama at Papa mo?" tanong ko sa kaniya.
"There were in Manila to have vacation," he asnwered.
Tumango ako sa kaniya at inalis ang sandals na suot ko. He immediately handed me a pair of slippers for me to wear.
"Do you want some water?" he generously asked me. I nodded at him and smiled.
But before hr could go to the kitchen, he then first turned on the telivision. I sat on the couch and comfortably laid my back on it.
Ilang minuto lang din ay bumalik na si Octav nang may dala-dalang tubig. "Thanks," I said softly.
"Do you want to have some netflix and chill?" he asked me.
Kaagad akong tumango sa kaniya. Mas mabuti na din palang wala rito ang mga magulang niya at kami na dalawa ang nandito dahil hindi ako nahihiya kung ano man ang ituring sa kaniya.
"You can choose," he said and handed me the remote.
I chose the romantic movie which is the To All The Boys I've Loved Before. I and Octav are watching the movie together. I even took a picture of him secretly when he laughed because of the funny scene in the movie.
Nakahiga kasi siya sa sofa habang ako naman ay nakaupo. Nagsilbing unan din ang legs ko kaya naman ay may tyansa akong makuhanan siya ng litrato.
Ngunit nang mapunta ang scene habang naghahalikan ang dalawang bida ay napaiwas kaagad ako ng tingin doon. I even covered my eyes upon seeing that they was about to kiss each other.
"You're cute, baby." I heard Octav and took my hands off on my face.
"Hey! They are still kissing each other!" suway ko sa kaniya ngunit tinawanan lang ako ng gaga.
"How would you learn on how to kiss me if you're going to cover your eyes?" biro niya kaya naman ay sinampal ko nang mahina ang mukha niya.
"Baliw!" I told him but he just laughed even harder.
Umalis siya sa pagkakahiga at umupo sa tabi ko. He faced me and when our eyes met, my heart beat faster than usual.
"Namumula ka," natatawa niyang sabi at bigla na lang akong hinalikan sa labi kaya pinalo ko ang kaniyang bisig.
"Hey! That was my first kiss!" suway ko sa kaniya.
"Then I am yours. Simple as that, baby." he softly said that made me blush even more!
"Ewan ko sa---" hindi natuloy ang aking sasabihin nang bigla niya na lang hinawakan ang aking batok at idinampi ang kaniyang labi sa aking labi.
I didn't know on how to kiss! He was just moving his lips on mine and just sucking it until he even grabbed my nape of his one hand and put my hair on the back of my ear.
Ginalaw niya pa ang kaniyang labi sa aking labi. He was aiming for more from me.
"Damn, you're sweet." he said with his seductive voice.
Paano niya naman nasabing matamis ang labi ko kung wala naman iyong asukal?!
Bwesit naman oh!
Inalis niya ang pagkakahalik sa aking labi ngunit ibalik niya lang iyon kaagad. He sucked and licked my lips until I gave back the kisses he was giving me.
I groaned when he suddenly bite my lower lip aiming for more. His tounge went inside my mouth and explored my mouth with his wild tounge. He tastes each corner of me until he got bored on it and his kisses went down on my nape.
"O-Octav..." I groaned his name when he sucked my soft skin on my neck.
"Shit! I love the way you groan my name." he said in his seductive voice.
"Octav, baka may makakita sa ating dalawa." I told him but he didn't stopped there.
He even planted kisses on my neck and then kisses my nape until he reached again my lips and tasted again every corner of my mouth. I groaned and arched my body when I can't get enough of the desire he was giving me.
His hand were exploring already my body. Ipinasok niya ang kaniyang kamay sa loob ng aking damit nang natigil ako dahil sa alaalang dulot ng kaniyang ginawa.
I pushed him but he didn't stop, so I pushed him even more.
"Why?" tanong niya sa akin at hindi ko maiwasang mapapikit dahil sa alaalang akala ko ay wala na sa akin.
His touch. His agressive touch when I was a kid. His damned...