I looked into his eyes searching for something that I do not have any idea about. I felt my heart telling me to go for it but my inner mind was against it. I looked sideways as a thought struck me.
"Ethan, what will you do if a girl confesses her feelings to you?" I asked.
"I can never like that girl if she confesses her feelings. Well, I will feel her as being cheap for catching feelings for me. Many girls have asked me out on dates, confessed their feelings, but who that one EPP", Ethan deadpanned, sending chills down my body.
"But…., My words got stuck in my throat as I could not say anything.
I bit my lips gently, releasing my breath.
"You do realize you are partly responsible for making them fall for you", I replied, trying to sound calm and gentle.
He chuckled and looked at me, his right hand running through his head. For some reason, I felt disgusted by his act.
", Why should they catch feelings for me? Hehe, how am I responsible for it?", he said as he leaned on a signboard post.
"You move close to them, talk to them as if you have feelings for them. In the process, they develop feelings for you", I explained.
He furrowed his brows before smirking. How I wish I could wipe those smirk off his face, he is sure cocky and a pretender", I thought, anger building in.
"Ah! Well, I am just having fun. On the contrary, I never thought they would fall for me", he replied bluntly.
Liar', I cursed inwardly. 'You opened two buttons of your school shirt, making your chest seen. Wearing a concentrated cologne, having quite close contact with the girls is another proof, I felt like yelling those set of words but I knew I needed to keep my cool. He just proved that he is not worth it.
He is not worth the advice, care, concern, and attraction I had for him. He feels ladies as prey that will fall for him at any time, confessing to him, and he in turns not giving a care about the feelings.
"Always remember not to play around with a girl's feelings. If you like her, sincerely go for her, if you do not, do not fake it. Making a girl fall for you without you having any iota of feelings for her is like playing with a toy and then discarding it as if they are of no use", I stated, enunciating each word.
"Sure thing bro, I will keep that in mind" he replied
I decided to cut our conversation short as I said goodbye to him, as he headed in another direction towards a Football viewing center. I strode rather slowly down the street reminiscing on everything that happened. I suddenly felt like crying, as my emotions gave way to it. Pricks of tears went down my face as I quickly cleaned it, to avoid suspicions or pitiful looks from passersby, who do not know about my condition.
As much as I tried to laugh, probably to cheer up, I felt as if loads were on me, a knife stabbing through my body. Guilt started eating me up when I realized how difficult it will be for me to get over Ethan.
I felt a mixture of sadness and a little bit of happiness down my body. If I had told Ethan my feelings, things might go a little bit overboard as he would take it with levity. The only thing I can pray for is for the same-sex not to be attracted to me, it would be a disaster.
I can still bear the burden of developing this weird feeling but for others, it is a capital NO. I have to get over this feeling I have for Ethan, he is not worth it. Even though he would continue to be one of those people I am attracted to, I still see him as being shallow and unreasonable.
I hate to admit that I wanted to feel hatred for him since his handsomeness has gotten into him. And to the ladies who kept fantasizing about Ethan, I think they need to develop self-control. Self-control and discipline in taming their feelings of crush, infatuation, or attraction. As for Ethan, I hope he would learn not to see everything as fun. As for me, I am giving up on the feelings I have for him.
I got home that day with a full determination to get over the attraction I had for Ethan. After chatting with him for a while about school stuff, I decided to end our conversation there and not to chat with him in weeks, months, or perhaps years. I also need to avoid checking his profile picture or our old messages.
I knew it would be a tough one for me but I need a break from this 'entangled web of same-sex attraction'. That night, I closed my eyes freeing the memories we once had together. Right from when I slapped him for trying to go naughty with me to the time we reconciled in the library. Till the time he was sick, till the time I hugged him and lastly to his unfiltered words that very day.
I let all the images keep flowing until they stopped coming to my head. I felt sparks fly around my body, as I felt light. 'I am giving up on you, on the feelings I developed for you, Ethan'.
*******
The days kept going as I logged in well into preparing for my POSTUTME. Pharmacy is a wide course in Nigeria and getting a brilliant score is one of my main priorities.
While 50% of me kept glowing at the thought of going for university education, the other half is filled with angst, and the fear of some possibilities coming true. Possibilities of getting attracted to the same sex and the same sex getting attracted to me.
Day and night will be my witness If I had never thought of the whole tale of my life. I have imagined my life to be an almost perfect one, living a simple and well-mannered one. Not the type of battling with two feelings. Thinking of telling someone breeds fear in me, as the thought of getting rejected or viewed from another aspect kept creating my mind.
All I need is discipline and self-control in taming this weird feeling. I believe in myself that I will never give in to this weird feeling.